Aijou
by Crikeynettle
Summary: It's basically Daisuke thinking about love, and what it means. As the thoughts get deeper and deeper, his life seems less and less important. And he feels the need to do some thing big, to make an impact. Not as bad as it sounds, sorrys, please R&R!
1. Ideas and depression

Hello! I'm not sure what I was really thinking with this fanfiction – I just felt like a writing, and decided to start a brand new one! Yay!

Any ways, I don't think any of the characters are really in character that much, and I'm really sorry 'bout that – it's not some thing I thought about before doing, just some thing that I did in order to not do home work… and… yeah… I tried real hard on the description : )

And a really big THANK YOU to Marz, who thought up the name for this fanfiction; Aijou - it means Love and Sorrow in Japanese, it's a really pretty word and it's kinda what the whole story is about, Love and Sorrow. Thankies Marz!

Hope you don't hate the fanfiction too much : )

-----------Thank-----------------You----------------For---------------------------Reading--------------------------------xXx------------------

Daisuke lay there, just lay there. His duvet crumpled around him. He was staring up at the ceiling, sprawled across the clean sheets of his bed, his fire like red hair falling over his eyes. He brushed the strands out of his eyes, and continued staring up, to the white ceiling. It felt too white, too clean, too painful to look at. It felt blank, empty, and he vaguely registered that the intense white paint was creating a head ache. But still he kept staring at that same spot. It kind of felt relaxing, just looking up at that spot. That white paint. He hated the white paint. But it was there, and he was staring at it. He wanted to just… just stay here, keep on staring at that same spot, forever. Forever. It was a nice thought, to just stay here and think… think about things that needed thinking about, but think with no pressure to _do _the things that crossed his mind. It was a nice thought. No pressure. No nothing. Sometimes that was what he wanted: Nothing. But other times he wanted every thing. But… 'other times' where a different matter, he'd bundle those thoughts up and lock them away, deep inside his head. But now, now was the important thing, and right now, he didn't want to do any thing. He just wanted to lay here. He felt exhausted, but there was no apparent cause for this sudden exhaustion – he'd had a restful nights sleep, he hadn't really had an unusual week, just the repetitive events that filled his life all over again. It seemed strange how his emotions differed from time to time.

How could he feel so happy some times?

Then, how could he feel so sorrowful?

What was the cause for 'happiness'?

Why did he feel so blank right now?

Why did he feel so happy other times?

Why couldn't he be happy all the time?

Was happiness what he really wanted?

Happy, happy, happy?

Blank, blank, blank?

Sad, sad, sad?

Embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed?  
Happy? Happy? Happy? Sad? Sad? Sad? Happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad?

There was such a difference, between the two – it was like he was two different people, more than two – a different person for each emotion. So which one was him? Who was he?

He shook his head. _These_ were the thoughts he wanted to lock away, they led to more emptiness, more depression.

_Why so down this morning? _

For a moment, he thought that was one of his own thoughts, talking to himself, then he realized that it was Dark. Dark. He'd almost forgotten about him.

_Forgotten about moi? Oh, how could you, Daisuke? _Dark's tone was full of sarcasm and playful mocking. _Shouldn't you be getting to school about now, any way?_

Daisuke's eyes widened, and he tore his eyes away from that patch of ceiling, and the moment was gone. "AH!" He yelled, scrambling out of bed, "I'm gunna be late!" He shouted, eyes wide, snatching up his uniform and tugging it on, he ran downstairs, tripping and stumbling.

Emiko stood in the kitchen, she turned round, "Hey Dai, you're up late this morning, sleepy head!" Her lipstick smothered lips forming a smile.

"Mum!" Daisuke whined, "Why didn't you wake me up?" He hopped on one foot as he pulled on a sock, "I'm gunna be late!!"

"Oh, you looked so tired yesterday, I thought I'd let you sleep in a little – any way, how late can it be?" She smiled again, handing him a piece of toast.

"Mum!" He ran out of the door, snatching up his school bag and stuffing the toast in his mouth as he sprinted down the street.

"Bye Dai! Have a good one!" Emiko shouted down the street after him.

_Hey Daisuke, what the hell were you thinking back there? _Dark asked casually.

Daisuke was taken aback by the sincere curiosity in the angel's voice.

"I…" Daisuke paused, what _had_ he been thinking? About different emotions, about different people, about how he didn't want to do any thing… about things he didn't usually think about. "I dunno…" He panted as he picked up his pace.

_You know what I think you need? _Dark grinned, _A girl. That's what you need. Which one are you in love with at the moment, then?_

"DARK!" Daisuke blushed a deep shade of red, "It's not like that!"

_What is it like then? One minute Risa, then next: Riku!_ Dark laughed, smirking.

Daisuke sighed. He loved Riku, and that was final, and she liked him back. Didn't she? He hoped she did. Really hoped. He thought of her, for a minute, how she smiled. He loved it when she smiled, when she was happy, Daisuke felt a warmth of happiness. When she was sad, Daisuke felt a pang of sorrow jolt through him. That was love, wasn't it? He wanted her to be happy, wanted to talk to her, wanted to make her smile her smile. That was love, wasn't it? If that wasn't love, then what was?

His thoughts drifted to when he'd given Risa that love letter, and how she'd returned it. He thought of how he'd felt about Risa. He'd wanted to get to know her, he thought she was beautiful, oh so beautiful. He wanted her to like him, and he wanted to have Risa in his life. He loved how she had depended on him, it had made him feel sort of special, needed, how she'd always asked for his help. His heart had hurt so much when she'd shaken her head and said she was sorry, then passed him back his love letter that he'd slaved over. That was when Dark had first entered his life. God, it felt like that had been a lifetime ago.

Now was different.

Now every thing was different.

Love felt different now. He didn't know what it should feel like, how should he know? He'd been in 'love' two times. Risa and Riku. He'd felt two very different emotions for both of them. Which one was love? Was either of them true love?

_You think too much about things. _Came Dark's voice.

"Dark," Daisuke mumbled, stopping and panting from the amount of running he'd done, he was on the train now, he let the train do the running now. "Dark," He muttered, casting a cautious look around him, to see if any one could hear him. It didn't look like it. "Dark, how do you know when you're in love?"

There was a long pause, _You think too much about little things, Daisuke. _Dark repeated himself, but this second time it was like he meant the words.

"… 'Little things'? B…But love is a very big thing…" Daisuke said, slightly puzzled.

_You need to stop worrying and just enjoy it as it happens. Don't question it. You've never really questioned stuff before, what's different about today? _Dark sounded almost annoyed now, angry, annoyed, impatient.

Daisuke vaguely registered that Dark was deliberately avoided the question he'd asked, "…I dunno… I woke up in a funny mood this morning and kept thinking about stuff, I guess," Daisuke smiled his sheepish smile.

…_Risa._

"Huh?" Daisuke looked confused, "What? Risa?"

"Hello to you, to!" A familiar voice sounded.

_Risa, Risa's here. Idiot. _

Daisuke jerked his head up, and saw one of the two Harada twins. "Risa! Hello!"

"You were talking to yourself," Risa giggled.

"Oh," Daisuke blushed, scratching his head, "Uh… What are you doing on this train to school? I thought you normally got on the earlier one?"

Risa smiled, brushing her long brown hair out of her face, "I slept in today, too many late nights, I guess."

Daisuke laughed animatedly, "Me too! I just couldn't seem to get up!"

"Yeah," Risa nodded politely, "Almost here."

Daisuke looked up, "Almost where?"

"School," She nodded at the window, "We're almost there, better get your stuff."

"Oh… yeah…" Daisuke nodded.

Today he really didn't feel like school, he didn't feel like any thing except going back to bed and staring at the painfully white ceiling and thinking about all of the stuff he didn't normally think about.

They got off on the platform, and walked the short walk to their school.

Daisuke looked up at the sky. There wasn't a cloud to be seen. It was one of those cool, crisp winter days. The whole sky seemed grey and cloud like, he wondered if it was just one big cloud, but no. He loved days like this, they were cold and dry. He took a deep breath of the icy air, and felt it travel through his body, then warm up, he couldn't feel it travel down his wind pipe any more. That's what he liked about the cold days that winter gave out. The air was cold. You could feel cold air. He liked the feeling. He liked the thought that he could feel. It was a funny thing to like, but, nevertheless, he did.

"Brr!" Risa shivered, "It's freezing today!"

"Yeah, I like it," Daisuke smiled at the sky dreamily.

"I don't!" Risa Harada shook her head from side to side, "It's way to cold!" Risa looked back down, and smiled, "Hey look! There's Riku!" She pointed to her sister peddling away on her bike.

Daisuke looked back down, to reality, he smiled to. His heart gave a little lurch as he saw Riku's smile. Riku rode towards them, "Hi!"

"Hello," Daisuke said airily, looking back towards the sky.

_What's more interesting? The sky or your girlfriend? _Dark asked sarcastically.

Daisuke jerked his vision back towards Riku, who was talking to her sister. He smiled brightly.

His eyes wandered, over the many students walking to school. Most of them were hurrying, running away from the cold, but a few of them had stopped to talk to one another.

There were so many of them.

Suddenly, Daisuke felt rather small. There were so many people here.

And this was just one school. He was just one person.

He felt so tiny, so insignificant, so unimportant, so meaningless.

There were all of these people in the world, each had their own problems, own worries, own lives – and here he was, thinking only of his life, and the people in it. It was so strange. Every one thought their lives were this or that, every one thought their problems were so immense, so important, when, in fact… that was how every body felt. He thought his love-life was so confusing, so big, so daunting, when… it didn't really matter. There were a million other people who were involved in love triangle's, there were people holding hands, people engaged… People in love. People in love all around the world.

He didn't matter any more.

There was a bigger picture now.

Some one could be crying right now, some one could be giving birth, some one could be being born, some one could be laughing, sleeping, having sex, some one could be smiling, some one could be _dying_…

And he was just standing here.

His life was _so_ small, and, deep down, he thought it was special, he thought it was important.

Just as every one else thought their own life was the biggest thing.

His problems weren't that big, compared to others.

He didn't know how he felt about that.

It was so big.

Too much to understand.

He hated that.

But he loved that ignorance.

_Daisuke, snap outa it. You're not making any sense, stupid. Stop it… _

What did he love?

Did he love any thing?

What did love mean?

He thought he loved lots of things, but how could he tell?

He thought he loved Riku…. He did, didn't he?

_Daisuke, stop it._

Did Riku love him?

Was Riku thinking the same thing?

Was she confused, too?

_Daisuke – _

He didn't know what to do. All these thoughts seemed to be pressing in on him, suffocating him, killing him.

_Daisuke, what are you – _

He didn't know what to do… What could he do? Help… he needed help…

_Daisuke – _

They were killing him, he didn't know what to do, all these thoughts, the world, it was turning inside out, it was making him mad, he couldn't handle it.

_Daisuke, breathe… take a breath, Daisuke, breathe… _

Dark's words of concern finally reached him, and he realized he wasn't breathing, he was functioning.

He took a massive gulp of air, and the world seemed less hazy, it seemed less daunting.

_Daisuke, what was that about?_

Daisuke looked up, his vision coming in and out of focus, he suddenly felt very, very tired… oh so tired. He needed to lay down for a minute.

_Daisuke, are you alright? What the hell is going on with you today?_

Daisuke blinked. Riku and Risa were still talking about school, about the home work that was set a few days ago.

It was strange. His life consisted of so little, yet so much.

Home work seemed so pointless now. He didn't get it.

He needed to get out.

Do some thing big.

Make his other worries sink into unimportance.

Break out of the repetitive pattern that seemed to be his life.

He needed to get out. Do some thing big.

Really big.

_Daisuke… What? _

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Well there you go. That's what happens when you leave me with some chocolate and a computer and some depressing music.

I quite enjoyed writing this, it was really fun, I needed to get writing again.

I kinda like the idea of this fanfiction, which doesn't happen very often, I usually hate my writing – but this one was really fun : )

Yeah, so – THANK YOU EVER SO EVER SO MUCH FOR READING THIS! –hugs-

Please leave a review on your way out, if you have the time, I wanna know what every one thinks of it xXx

Chapter 2 coming soon, i've already got an okay-ish idea - It's a little more action filled and stuff, and a little to do with Satoshi, i think... Not sure .

See ya next time, thank you, bye byes! xXx


	2. Finally getting out

Hello every one! I'm so sorry there's such a big gap between chapter one and two of this in terms of updating… I'm in Year 10 now, and we suddenly have all these confusing exams and coursework and scary things… Any way, I've been caught up in school and stuff, sorry for the big gap… I shouldn't really be writing this… heh, I should be doing my science coursework… but, hey, this is much more enjoyable : )

And to my fantastic reviewers! –

Iceburgundy – Eeee, thank you for reviewing, sorry for making poor Dai so depressed 0.0 Enjoy! xXx

Violet Garnets – Glad you enjoyed chapter one, hope I can make chappie two as good : ) Thankies!

ShadowRat – Ah! Thank you for reading my new fanfiction, nice to see a familiar face (…or name…) I'm really glad you liked it!

Silver-Serval – Ah! Another familiar face! ThankiesThankiesThankies! And, uh, interesting in a good way, I hope? XD Thank you xXx

THANK YOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!

------------------Please---------------Enjoy----------------------xXx---------------------

Aijou – Chapter two

He needed to get out. Do some thing big.

Really big.

_Daisuke… What?_

Daisuke blinked, Dark's voice calling to him, beckoning him back to reality. He slowly floated out of his thoughts, his heart became light, carefree, it was madness. A moment ago, he had been on the verge of tears, on the brink of insanity, and here he was; happy again.

His lips formed a small smile as he looked up. They were still by the school gate, Riku and Risa were talking about homework, still smiling and speaking animatedly. Still themselves, still here in this world. Nothing had changed.

_Daisuke, what was that all about?_

Daisuke grinned, a flush of embarrassment flitting across his smiling face, "Should we get going now? I think we're already slightly late…" He asked, eager to focus on something else, take his mind of all the thoughts crammed inside his head, dying to distract himself.

"Uh huh," Riku nodded, smiling. The three of them set off to their first lesson.

The day seemed to crawl by, Daisuke drifting in and out of focus, in and out of being depressed and being happy. He barely got any school work done, he just spent the day staring out the window, at the cold, bitter sky.

This part of winter was always the strangest, Daisuke thought, it was frosty, it was cold, it was icy, but there was no snow, no rain, no ice; just cold and harsh winds. The fresh air was fantastic, he loved this season – he could really breathe, as he inhaled the cold, clean air, he felt it pass down into his lungs. It felt refreshing. He wished every thing could be cured with a breath of fresh air.

"…So if you multiply out the brackets, you add these two together… so the answer to X must be… Daisuke?"

Daisuke jerked up, out of his thoughts at the sound of his name, "Huh?" He looked around, blinking, all eyes in the maths class were fixed on him. Then he remembered were he was, what he was supposed to be doing.

"The question, Niwa, the answer to X?" The teacher said sternly, chalk in one hand, poised to write the answer on the blackboard.

"Uhh…" Daisuke paused, his eyes scanning the blackboard for any clues, but, sadly, there were none. Too bad. It was probably a really easy question, too. Now he'd have to face the embarrassment of saying he didn't get it. He felt a pink blush form on his face as he opened his mouth, "I don't know."

-

And, finally, the day was over. It passed by much like the maths lesson, teachers giving him questioning looks, classmates giving him looks of confusion and grins.

He didn't really mind.

Daisuke had just stopped caring about those things, it felt strange to admit it, but it was the truth, he didn't really care about school, didn't care of the teachers or students opinions of him. Compared to his other problems, they sunk to the back of his mind, forgotten.

He wondered how many other things he didn't care about now.

_Well if you look at life like that all the time, then you'll be in tears all day long, stupid. _Dark said quietly.

"Ah," Daisuke jumped, Dark had been quiet all day long, he'd gotten used to his thoughts and his thoughts alone now, "Dark, you've been really quiet today," Daisuke stated.

_You try getting through to a seemingly happy boy who is actually manically depressed, it's harder than it looks, _Dark laughed, a feeling of unease settling in. Daisuke had really scared him today.

"Manically depressed?" Daisuke repeated, "Huh?"

_Don't worry your little head about it, _Dark grinned in the back of Daisuke's mind, then muttered, _Sounds like you've got enough things to think about. _

"Dark," Daisuke stretched out on the sheets of his bed, still fully clothed, the afternoon sun shining into the safety of his bedroom, "Dark, does every body think these things?"

Dark paused, _Do I know all the people in the world? _

"No…" Daisuke yawned, "What I meant was, do you ever think things like this?"

Daisuke's question was never answered. Dark just remained silent. Daisuke regretted asking such a personal question. He probably seemed insensitive. He took Dark's silence as a definite 'yes'.

Daisuke sighed, rolling over on his bed. His gaze rested on a little picture of Riku. He'd drawn it a couple of weeks ago – it was just a pencil sketch, but he loved it. He loved Riku. Oh so much. Didn't he? What made this so called 'love'? How could he tell that he was in love with Riku, he thought he'd been in love with Risa, hadn't he?

God, how fickle was he?

It sickened him.

But he loved Riku. He glanced at the picture of her again, she was smiling happily, her hair framing her beautiful face. He felt a pang of emotion strike his heart. Was that love? That pain, that well of emotion in his heart every time he looked at Riku?

Could he tell from how he changed into Dark?

Or was that just another trick? His whole life had been brought up on trickery – and finding out that he was to transform into the great Phantom Thief was certainly the worst yet.

Though he couldn't imagine life without Dark at all, Dark was part of him now. But they weren't the same. Were they?

How could any one ever love him when he was two people at once?

_You flatter me, Daisuke! _Came Dark's voice, filled with sarcasm.

A knock sounded suddenly, causing Daisuke to flinch.

Emiko's upbeat tone sounded from outside his bedroom, "Dai, honey! Some one's here to see you!"

Daisuke sighed. He really didn't feel like seeing any one at the moment, he didn't want to infect any one with his foul mood, "Uhh, who is it, Mum?" He called out.

"The Satoshi boy!" Emiko replied, he could tell she was slightly nervous at having a Hiwatari descendant in the house.

Daisuke paused; why had Satoshi come to his house to see him? They had barely exchanged a look at school today, Daisuke had been to distant to notice any one, why was he here?

_Ah crap, that Creepy boy found you, Dai. _Dark cursed.

"Dark, he's not creepy…" Daisuke sighed. He couldn't force himself to get up.

It was so comfy here, in his bed, with the sunlight shining down on his torso. He didn't have the will power to get up at the moment.

"Daisuke, come out now, Satoshi's waiting for you, dear!" Emiko called, knocking again.

"In a minute," Daisuke mumbled, turning his back to the door and facing the wall.

"Daisuke! Your guest is waiting!" His mother called, slightly louder, "Daisuke, why is your door locked?" She asked, trying to keep her cool.

Daisuke sighed in exasperation, a small, aching pain in his temples awaking, he climbed out of bed, dark faced and annoyed.

Right now, he felt like sleep. Not seeing anyone.

He unlocked his bedroom door and it swung open. Emiko and Satoshi were standing in the door way. Emiko looked rather relieved that Daisuke had finally opened the door, Satoshi was standing there, looking rather distant.

"Hi Satoshi," Daisuke said, forcing his features into what he hoped was a smile, "Would you like to come in?"

Satoshi nodded without a trace of a smile in return.

"Okay!" Emiko grinned, "I'll go get you two some thing to eat. Dai, you must be starving!"

Emiko milled away, leaving Satoshi in the hallway and Daisuke in the door way.

"Hello," Satoshi nodded, his glasses reflecting the cold sunlight, making it impossible to see his eyes.

Daisuke smiled, for real, this time.

He felt his bad mood ebb away, as if he had been happy the whole day long – he suddenly felt like he normally did; bubbly and awake. He stepped aside, for Satoshi to enter his bedroom, "So why did you come here? Is every thing alright?" Daisuke asked, his tone upbeat and merry.

"Yes," Satoshi walked into Daisuke's room, and stood there, stock still, arms folded across his chest, a solemn expression on his face, "You just seemed rather different today."

"Oh!" Daisuke smiled, a hand raising to his head, a blush forming on his face, "That? Ha!" He laughed openly, "It was nothing, don't worry, sorry!"

"You sure?"

"Yeah! I'm just sleepy, I guess." Daisuke looked around his room absent mindedly.

"You seem okay now," Satoshi commented.

"Yeah!" Daisuke nodded, at a loss for what to say.

And suddenly the bad mood was back.

Just like that.

It felt like his whole body was sinking, and Daisuke's smile disappeared, and all he wanted to lay back down on his bed, alone. "…Is that all you wanted?" He asked, no trace of a smile what so ever on his face.

"Dark?"

Daisuke jerked his head up, "What?"

Satoshi shook his head, "Sorry, I just thought that you were Dark for a second. The sudden change of mood…" Satoshi trailed off, staring at Daisuke fixedly.

Satoshi's gaze made Daisuke feel somewhat uneasy, frightened. "No. Not Dark, just me."

… Just 'me'?

What was he?

Who was he, compared to every one else?

He stopped his thought train right there, he didn't want to trail off into the distance again.

He needed to fix his thoughts on some thing else. He needed to take his mind off every thing, he had to get out, he couldn't breathe like this, not even the cold, crisp air made him feel better.

"Hey Satoshi," Daisuke asked abruptly.

Satoshi looked into Daisuke's eyes, "Yes?"

"Do you wanna get out of here?" Daisuke asked, his features blank and unreadable.

"What?"

"Do you want to go some where… I don't know… Just away from here? We can go to town or some thing," Daisuke suggested, a smile awakening on his lips.

_Daisuke, I thought you wanted to lay down? What happened to wanted to go back to bed? Hey, Daisuke, are you even listening to me?_

"Oh… Sure." Satoshi nodded.

_Daisuke – you need to lay down, Dai, you aren't yourself today, hey, Daisuke! Listen to me!! _Dark roared, trying to get Daisuke's attention, _Any way, it's a school night, you have waaay too much home work to be going out! And where will you go? It's five in the afternoon, all the shops are closed. Just get the Satoshi to leave and get back to bed. You need sleep. You're acting weird, Daisuke, listen to me! _There was a sense of desperation to Dark's voice now.

The pleading, the desperation scared Daisuke. But the fear only fuelled his new mood.

"Where are we going?" Satoshi asked blankly.

"I don't know," Daisuke grinned.

They were finally getting out.

He was finally getting out.

He was going to finally get out of this repetitive pattern that seemed to be his life. He was going to make an impact, he was going to make his life mean some thing.

He walked out of his room, followed by Satoshi.

He was going to get out of here…

Do some thing big…

--------------Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!-------------It's-----------------Over!------------------------Thank-----------You----------------For---------------Reading--------------------!!!!---------------------------------

Hello all! I hoped you enjoyed it!

I really enjoyed writing it, it was really fun!

I've already got thousands of ideas for the story plot… I can't wait to start writing chapter three!

once again, THANK YOU EVER SO EVER SO MUCH FOR READING!

Hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it.

xXx

Love yoou

xXx


	3. Help

Hello all!

Violet Garnets – Eeeee! Thank you ever so much! I'm glad you liked that bit about the winter, I was a little hesitant when I wrote that bit, it didn't really seem like it fitted in with any thing, but I'm really, really glad you liked it enough to point it out : ) And with all that talk of candy… you're making me hungry XD –runs off and gets breakfast-

ShadowRat – Thank yoooouu!!! Nice to know some one else gets all these depressing thoughts once in a while : ) Hope you enjoy chapter threeee!

Uhh… the disclaimer-thing… yeah: How ever much I wish I did, I do not own D.N.Angel… though I do own the strange, twisted, out of character story… I think… : )

And THANK YOU all so much for your nice words about the home work and stuff –bursts into tears and hugs every one- You're all too nice: )

------------------xXx---Enjoy---xXx---------------------

He was going to get out of here…

Do some thing big…

He glanced at Satoshi. He didn't really want him here, but it felt reassuring to have some one by his side.

Satoshi caught his gaze, "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know," Daisuke replied honestly.

They neared the front door of Daisuke's house when Emiko stuck her head round the kitchen, "Dai, where are you going?" She sung.

Daisuke sighed, every one was always asking the same question, it seemed pathetic – he knew he shouldn't be annoyed at them, but it seemed as if every one was always on his tail, always asking him what he was doing, where he was going, was he okay, always giving him orders…

Daisuke rearranged his features in a smile, "I'm just going out for a bit with Satoshi."

"Ooh, where are you headed?" Emiko came out of the kitchen and joined them in the hallway.

Satoshi folded his arms across his chest, looking away, "Not sure."

Emiko's beam faltered for a second, "Oh?"

Daisuke nodded, his smile slipping.

"Oh, well, be back by four, honey!"

Daisuke glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, it read half past three. "That only leaves about five minutes to do what ever we're going to do."

"Dai, it is a school night… and in winter, night comes very quickly!" Emiko ruffled Daisuke's hair.

"See you, Mum," Daisuke said coldly, his icy voice shattering Emiko's smile.

Daisuke and Satoshi slipped out the door, leaving a confused and sorrowful Emiko in the hallway.

Daisuke suddenly felt the brunt of the bitter coldness that winter brought, and immediately regretted not grabbing a coat.

_Daisuke, what exactly are you planning to do? You're out with the Creepy Boy, it's started to get dark, the suns already beginning to set, you haven't got a coat, you have no money, and you're not thinking straight. _

Daisuke rolled his eyes uncharacteristically, he had enough voices in his head without Dark adding to the fire blazing in his mind.

_Why don't you just go home now? You can think things over, you can relax, it's safe and it's not here. What do you say? _

More orders. More people telling him what to do, when to do it, where to go, what to say – Daisuke just wanted a some time on his own, time without any one telling him what to do, bossing him around, giving him orders that he felt obliged to follow – no, this time, right now was his time. Time to be himself, where he didn't have to worry about opinions or school or home work, he wanted a time where he didn't have to think, didn't have to worry about any thing, where he could be free, where it was dangerous, where he could get that thrill of adrenalin pumping through his veins, where he could take risks without having to worry or without people telling him not to.

That was what he wanted.

He wanted to do some thing _huge_.

"Daisuke, you haven't got a coat." Satoshi commented.

Daisuke was jerked out of his thoughts, back into reality, "Yeah," He nodded.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Not really," Daisuke lied, "Any way, no time to go back now – we have to go now."

"Go where?"

That simple question fuelled the burning fire of freedom in his mind, pushing Daisuke closer to the edge, making him do the insane. "I don't know," He replied, annoyed, "You choose, you decide. I don't care." He said moodily.

"Dark?"

Daisuke looked back round at Satoshi quickly, "What?" Daisuke said, a glare firmly fixed on his face.

Satoshi shrugged, trying to maintain his calm composure, but Daisuke acting all edgy and angry – it unnerved him, scared him. This angry, sharp Daisuke was so different from the Daisuke he'd known… Not that he'd known him that well. Satoshi suddenly felt so stupid for assuming he thought he knew Daisuke. "Sorry, just thought, because you were acting a little… differently… I thought it might be… Dark…" Satoshi trailed off, realizing he was saying exactly the opposite of what he wanted to say. Digging himself a deeper grave.

"Oh," Daisuke felt his voice grow louder. He stopped walking down the darkening street, turning to face the blue haired boy, "So just because I act a little differently, some thing's wrong, right?"

"No, it's just – "

"So I'm not allowed to just have an 'off day', am I? I've always got to be smiling, otherwise some one thinks I'm ill or depressed? What _am _I allowed to do, Satoshi?.!" Daisuke steadied his voice, lowering his volume, not wanted to draw too much attention from bystanders.

"That's not what I mean, I was just…" Satoshi trailed off yet again, not meeting Daisuke's gaze.

_Daisuke, stop! Think about what you're saying – _

"You know what? Forget it." Daisuke shook his head, turning to go.

"Daisuke, wait," Satoshi started, but Daisuke was already gone, lost in the crowd of people surrounding them. Satoshi bit his lip, his hands forming fists beside him. He moaned at his own stupidity. He really was stupid, letting himself say those things without even thinking them through; Daisuke probably hated him now. Satoshi felt his heart sink in his chest as the feeling of exhaustion over whelmed him.

Daisuke stormed off, his frown set firmly on his normally beaming face. He glared at the road ahead of him, his feet leading him home.

_Daisuke, what happened back there? I mean, he is Creepy, but you didn't have to say those things like that… No one deserves to be put down like _that_, Daisuke… It was… _Dark paused, _So unlike you. _He finished, a growing worry building up inside of him.

"…'So unlike me'?" Daisuke muttered under his breath, "So what _is_ like me, Dark?"

Daisuke never got an answer, Dark sunk into silence, pondering his Tamer's sudden mood-swings, his thoughts, every thing.

Daisuke suddenly realized where they were. He was standing outside his front door. How had he got here? A moment ago, he had been out on the street, out, ready to abandon his rigid, annoying life and experience freedom. Now he was back where he started.

And he didn't like it.

Didn't like standing here, he didn't like the idea of entering his house, and having to apologize to his Mother, didn't like the thought of laying down on his bed and letting his thoughts take over, hated the idea of worrying about what he'd done, what he'd said to Satoshi.

He needed to get away.

He couldn't go back there, at least; not yet. He didn't think he could handle the worry, the guilt. He didn't want to think about it.

And going home would mean he'd have to think about things, have to worry.

_Daisuke… _Dark sounded exhausted now, _Daisuke, just go inside… _

Daisuke felt the fire of anger ignite in his heart again – there it was again: Every one pushing him to do what they thought was best… Every one wanting him to do some thing 'sensible', every one wanting him to do the 'right' thing… It was madness…

Deep down, he knew going home was the 'right' thing to do. He knew he'd have to do it in the end, he'd have to look disappointed in himself, he'd have to apologize, he'd have to make excuses for his actions… but he didn't want to. There was simply no excuse, no nothing, no specific reason for these actions, these mood swings. He wished there was a reason. Then he might be able to understand it – understand him.

He knew, deep, deep down that he should really go home right away.

The longer he stayed out, the worse it would be.

But the longer he stayed out… the more excitement it was…

The longer he stayed out, the longer he prolonged having to go back, the longer they'd have to wait…

As long as he was out, he didn't have to think about any thing; about what he'd said to Satoshi, about how he'd acted to his Mum, about these constant thoughts, about life.

He just wanted to get away from the guilt, the bad thoughts that would come eventually… But they would only come when he'd calmed down, when he had time to think…

He swayed where he stood, on the door step of his house, feeling hot headed and dangerous. He didn't like that feeling of unsafety, of the risks, but at the same time it some how made him feel excited, it made him feel like he was living his life, making the difference he craved all the time. His head was rushing, his heart was pounding, his palms were sweating… and still he was experiencing one of the best times in his life.

Strange.

_Daisuke, you're the Phantom Thief, you experience danger almost every day. How can you say you haven't got excitement in your darn life? Now just _go_ inside. _Dark seriously sounded annoyed now. If he hadn't been angry before; he was now.

Again, that feeling of danger, that feeling of… 'accomplishment' welled up inside of him…

He _liked_ pushing the limits, he _liked _seeing how far he could go, how much he could do without being stopped.

_Daisuke, _I'm _stopping you now. Get inside the house. _

Daisuke felt a smile unfold across his lips. He flicked his red hair out of his glinting eyes and turned around, hands in pockets. He strolled up the street, still grinning at the thrill of danger making his pulse rocket and the strange feeling of light-headedness grow.

_Daisuke, where do you think you're going? _Dark asked, attempting to control his voice.

Daisuke's eyes flickered from side to side, his heart beating like crazy, but an uncomforting, inevitable doubt clawing at his heart. "Don't know," Daisuke replied, his voice low and uncertain.

_It's night now, it's late, you don't know where you're going, don't know what you're doing, you – _

"Dark…" Daisuke hissed under his breath, "Stop – "  
_I'm not telling you what to do, Christ, I'm just putting things in… perspective, _Dark sighed dramatically _… It's going to be a long night… _

Daisuke felt the feeling of doubt leave him immediately as Dark's words played again and again in his mind.

He let his feet lead him, hoping he'd end up some where better than where he was.

_Daisuke… You idiot… _Dark mumbled, _What if Emiko wanted us to steal some thing tonight? You know, she's probably really worried. And Satoshi – I know he's an idiot, but even idiots don't deserve that. You could just sort it out by going home. Dai, whatever's going on inside your head, it'll work itself out. So just go home, you'll be with people who care about you, who want to take care of you, and you can relax and figure whatever's going on in your life out then, okay? _Dark sighed again; this was his last attempt at getting through to Daisuke, every thing else only seemed to enrage the red haired boy.

"Dark," Daisuke sighed heavily in annoyance, "I really don't want to listen to you right now. You don't understand. Aren't I allowed to just get out once in my life?" Daisuke whispered, fuming with rage.

_What ever. _Dark said, trying to make his voice sound casual and aggravated, _I just wanted to get things in order, make sure you know what you're doing. I'm not telling you what to do or any thing, just making sure you understand what you're doing. _

"Do I look like I understand what I'm doing?" Daisuke moaned in annoyance and guilt, the unsettling thoughts of reason settling in his head.

What am I doing?

I'm getting out.

Where is 'out'?

Any where but here.

Is that what I want?

Maybe. Maybe not.

When would he get back to the safety and warmth of his house?  
Do I care?

Do I?

What will I say when I get back home?

Does it matter?

Does it?

Will I be able to handle the guilt when I get home?

Do I need to think about that now?

Do I?

What will I say to Satoshi?

I don't care.

What will I say to Mum?

Any thing, don't think about that now, not now, this isn't the time for that.

What will I say to Dark?

Any thing, any thing, don't think about that, don't think, can't think.

Rage, rage, rage, happy, happy, happy, sad, sad, sad, guilt, guilt, guilt, help, help, help. Help.

... Help…

Daisuke snapped out of his thoughts, his eyes brimming with tears. The dark, unfamiliar street suddenly looked so much more daunting than it had done a minute ago.

His eyes darted around, from person to person, from streetlight to streetlight, from shop to shop, from sky to ground, from back to front…

Where was he?

… Help…

------------xXx------------Is-----------It-------------Over?-------------------xXx------------

Hello!

Gah, that was a weird chapter to write! Fun, though… but weird.

Hope you enjoyed it and hopefully don't think Daisuke is too out of character or insane…

Half the time I had depressing music on and the other half I had really happy music on while I was writing this… So that might be one of the reasons it's a little bit crazy…

Any way, enough about the insane chapter – sorry it's been a little while since this was updated – the mountain of home work only seems to be getting taller – but I've finished it all so I could write this! Eeeee! It was so fun… in a strange way…

Yeah… so… Umm… hope you liked reading this blob of crazy as much as I liked writing it!

Next chapter coming soon!

Please leave a review on your way out!

Love yoouuuu! Thank you again for reading it!


	4. Panic, depression and baths

THANK YOU TO ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO READ MY MESSED UP FANFICTION!

AND A REALLY BIG THANK YOU TO ALL THOSE WONDERFULLY-WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO REVIEW!

Hittocerebattosai – Eeeeee! Thank you for reading! Insane, depressed and bipolar – yeah, that pretty much sums up all my characters I've ever written about! Heh, thank you for the reviewww! Hope you enjoy Chapter four! xXx

LandUnderWave – Ah! Thank you very much for reading! Sorry for leaving so many cliffhangers around, I'll try to be more careful… Your review made me laugh, thank yooouu!!! xXx

ShadowRat – eeh, sorry 'bout the horrible cliffhanger… I'll try not to make another one : ) - What bands do I like? Umm, lots and lots and lots and lots, and they seem to change every day… -points to profile thingy- My favorites at the moment are probably… Coldplay or Hinder… or Kathryn Williams – umm, basically any thing that's not complete and utter R&B… What about you : )  
I listen to rrreeeeaaaallllllyyy depressing songs when I write this fanfiction -sob sob-

EEEEE!!! Thank you! Well, here it is – Chapter four of Aijou! Enjoy!

------------xXx-----------------xXx-----------------xXx--------------------xXx-----------------

Daisuke snapped out of his thoughts, his eyes brimming with tears. The dark, unfamiliar street suddenly looked so much more daunting than it had done a minute ago.

His eyes darted around, from person to person, from streetlight to streetlight, from shop to shop, from sky to ground, from back to front…

Where was he?

…Help…

Daisuke took a deep breath in, his heart racing, his head rushing around – he couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't take any thing in, where was he? Couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe – he couldn't _breathe_…

Daisuke gasped for fresh air, but he couldn't seem to find it. There were too many people here to be alone, too many people for him to think, they all seemed to be pushing in on him, all seemed to brush by him, intent on their own business, but it felt like they were some how pushing him aside as they walked by, giving him looks of pity, confusion and annoyance.

He hated those looks.

The looks that meant 'Oh, sorry, look, I'm giving you attention, I'm giving you my time, look at me, notice what I'm doing… oh…wait, don't look at me… no, don't, I don't want your eyes on mine, I don't want you to notice me, if I don't notice yo

u, then you won't notice me. If you notice me, you might talk to me. Okay. I'm giving you sympathy, I'm giving you pity, but just don't notice me. Okay? Isn't that what you want, isn't that what you need? Aren't I good? Just don't notice me. Okay? I wonder what you're on, how you got like this – drugs, drink? How did you get like this? I sure hope I don't ever end up like you. Pity, pity, pity.'

Daisuke fell against the cold brick wall, still desperately trying to inhale. One clammy hand was clawing at his neck, the other was supporting him, sliding down the graffiti covered wall. He coughed and gagged, eyes shut tight.

_Daisuke, breathe, Daisuke, breathe – hang on, just take it easy, breathe, you're okay… _Darks words of concern only added to the blur of haziness in Daisuke's mind.

_You're okay… You're okay… _

Slowly, Daisuke began to relax, he felt his heart beat return to a steady pace, and his limbs go limp with built up pressure, and he took slow, long gasps of cold, clear air.

_Y-You're okay… You're okay, okay, you're okay… it's okay… _

Daisuke gradually stood up tall, taking small steps, trying to avoid another panic attack.

As the haze of panic cleared, the embarrassment settled in. People were still looking at him, or pretending not to look at him, or not looking at him, but still knowing he was there.

What did he do now?

Could he just go back into the flow of the street again, or was he now for ever tagged as the mad, drunk, drug craving person who was hyper-ventilating against the wall? He wasn't that person, but other people didn't know that.

It was stupid, but he cared what these strangers thought of him.

He took another long breath and wiped away the tears and sweat from his face.

_Daisuke, you okay? _Dark's voice came again, after a pause of contemplation. The Phantom Thief's tone was casual and carefully upbeat to conceal his growing concern. _What was that about?_

Daisuke sighed again, trying to work out that same question himself.

_You just… froze. _

The panic began to creep up his throat again, he felt his burning forehead smothered in sweat, his ears were ringing with a frustrating, high pitched shriek.  
He shook his again, blocking out all thoughts of anxiety and worry. Easier said than done. The guilt, the embarrassment, the worry, the constant worry was always there, gnawing away at his heart, at his thoughts – never stopping, always there.  
Daisuke was still standing there awkwardly, against the shadow covered wall, glancing nervously up and down the street; he couldn't even remember which way he'd been walking now. He couldn't spot any landmarks, nothing familiar, nothing that he felt comfortable with – his heart was heavy in his chest.

He felt exhausted.

All he wanted to do was go to sleep.

But he couldn't. Not now, not here. He needed to get home, to the safety of his own bed. Where he could think, where he could relax and think about normal things, not these – there was such a big gap between yesterday and where he was standing now, it was frightening, it was alien to him – to feel so many emotions, always switching between craving to craving, emotion to emotion. It was horrible. It was like he couldn't control himself anymore.

But now a new problem had formed. He couldn't chose which way to go – right or left. It could be the difference between home and sleeping on the streets tonight.

_Daisuke, you're blowing this out of proportion, so you're having a bad day, and you're a bit panicy. So what? All you need to do is find a familiar landmark and you'll be on your way home. _Dark sighed.

Daisuke nodded, wiped away fresh tears of confusion and panic.

The easiest method he could think of was just asking some one where he was, but that meant talking. He wasn't sure he could handle talking at the moment. And the people here looked so caught up in their own lives, making money, spending their money, work, going out with boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends, new friends, people walking on their own, people in huge groups, people walking home from work, people going to work, drunk people, people who wanted to get drunk.

In the end, they all wanted the same thing, didn't they?

Happiness.

And he couldn't interrupt that, could he?

"…E…Excuse me…" Daisuke whispered, talking to no one in particular, just the vast crowd. No one stopped. He doubted that any one had even heard his voice over the murmur of the night.

Daisuke tried to distract himself, take his mind off getting home, forcing his mind away from the worry – He looked up at the sky.

It was completely pitch black now, in the distance, he could see tiny pinpricks of light scattered on the velvet night. He remembered all the other times he'd looked up at the stars at night.

He recalled all the emotions he'd felt as he'd done so.

They were all basically the same. He'd been smiling then.

Now was so different. It hurt to see how different he was now. He didn't know how it hurt, or why it hurt so much to just think about how out of control his life was. How much he'd changed.

He stared up at the stars, mesmerized.

Then his mind began to twist and turn, and he wondered how many other people were staring up at the stars right now. He wondered what they were all thinking.

How many people really were staring up at the stars right this minute? Was any one feeling the same way as him? Were they feeling worse? Were they happy? Daisuke's life, right now, seemed like the most terrible dilemma, the most impossible problem, the worst he'd ever felt. It really felt like that. He felt like crying right here and now.  
And the stupid thing was, there were probably a million people staring up at the stars right now, all thinking, all living. Some were happy, others were sad.

Daisuke was one of the sad ones.

But… There was no way he could be _the_ saddest, and it hurt that some one else was feeling more pain, more sorrow than him, and yet he couldn't care less.

Right now, all that mattered was him and his life.

It hurt to see how selfish he was, underneath.

He hoped no one else would ever discover this side of him… They'd hate him, they would have to.

Wait – He'd already shown this selfish, cruel Daisuke to some one, and worse, some one he cared about; Satoshi.

"Oh god…" Daisuke sniffed, guilt overwhelming him.

He wondered if Satoshi was looking up at the stars now.

At the back of Daisuke's mind, Dark sighed.

Daisuke glanced back up at the stars again, and his mind landed on Riku and Risa. What were they doing right now? He'd seen them this morning.

How different this morning was to now.

He felt his heart strings pang with a sudden desire to see Riku, her face, her comforting smile.

He needed to see some one familiar, some one who cared about him, some one who would take the pain away, tell him he was being stupid to think about things this seriously.

Riku's face, her beautiful features, her short hair falling over her eyes, oh god, her eyes, her smiling eyes.

Was this love?

Surely, this had to be it. He couldn't remember feeling this much compassion for any one ever, he couldn't remember wanted to see any one this badly before. This had to be it.

But what if it wasn't?

He pictured Riku in his foggy mind, his eyes sliding shut.

Then, all of a sudden, blood red turned to dark purple – Daisuke wasn't there any more, he could relax, he could let go, he didn't have to worry about getting home… but the problem with getting rid of one problem, another always had to rise up to the surface and present another cause of stress.

Dark's troubled eyes slid open, to see the uninviting scene of a streetlight lit street. He sighed, glancing around casually, checking no one had seen the change between Daisuke and him.

He stuffed his hands into his pockets and picked left. He strode out into the packed street of crowds of drunken people and set off at a steady pace down the street, contemplating the sensitive topic of Daisuke's sudden mood changes.

-------?---------What's---------Satoshi-------------doing------------------?-------------------

Satoshi sighed, jamming his key into the lock of his apartment and twisting it moodily.  
His bright blue eyes flickered up to the cold night sky. From here, the stars shone strongly, like sparkling diamonds or sprinkled glitter. He loved how they shone so brightly against the strong black sky, setting up a beautiful scene of inspiration. Some times he wondered why people paid for giant, amazing works of art when they could just look up at the night's sky and see the most beautiful picture ever, which no artist could capture.

Satoshi sighed again.

Why was he thinking about stars when so many problems faced him tonight?

The most prominent problem was Daisuke, obviously. Why had he snapped like that tonight? It was probably Satoshi's fault. He'd intruded on Daisuke, and then encouraged going out at night, then asked unnecessary, personal, touchy questions directly.

It was no wonder he was so disliked by Daisuke.

He sighed again, pushing the heavy door open, and walking into the blank, modern apartment in which he lived. It felt empty and hollow, he didn't know why he lived here, it was close to all the places he needed to be, he supposed.

He slammed the door shut and collapsed on the uncomfortable sofa, completely worn out, his sky blue hair falling over his eyes. He removed his glasses and placed them haphazardly on the arm of the sofa and sighed again, wondering what tomorrow would bring.

_You think too much. _Krad commented lazily.

Satoshi's lips formed a small, icy smile, "I do," He agreed sleepily.

How would Daisuke react to him now? Would the infamous, sheepish smile be back on the happy face of Daisuke Niwa, or would the dazed, spaced out expression be pasted on his features – or would the cold, thoughtful, icy front still be there?

People were so hard to read, Satoshi followed his trail of thoughts. He had completed school, college, his education, he'd been classed as some sort of 'genius', but he still couldn't read people, couldn't tell their emotions that well, that frustrated him oh so much.

His sky blue eyes slid shut, and he realized just how tired he was.

Could other people tell what he was thinking? He only wished he could tell what others were feeling.

He guessed he should have picked up on Daisuke's apparent anger this evening.

He should have acted more sensitive. He'd just assumed that it was Dark, as Daisuke wasn't acting very much like himself… Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Did other people have these problems?

Satoshi sighed, brushing his blue hair out of his eyes.

He focused on clearing his head of all thoughts.

He could never sleep with these sorts of thoughts hanging over him. They'd have to wait till the morning.

-------xXx--------Back-------to----------Daisuke--------and--------Dark-------------xXx-------

Dark held in a sigh of relief as he saw the familiar sight of the Niwa house on the empty, dark street. He closed his tired, purple eyes.

The bloodshot eyes of Daisuke opened to see the comforting street he'd grown up in. He let out a moan of relief coupled with exhaustion, as he silently thanked Dark with all his heart for getting him out of that horrible situation.

He walked the few steps to his door and raised a heavy hand to knock on the door.

Before he'd even had time to knock for the second time, the wooden door flew open and Emiko stood there, her eyes were bloodshot, too, her hair was tousled, her cheeks were tear stained, her makeup-less face lit up as she saw her only son on the door step, "Oh Daisuke!" She sighed, flinging her arms around him and hugging him tight.

Daisuke didn't object, he was too tired to speak, let alone pull himself out of his Mother's bear-hug.

"Daisuke, I was so worried…" Emiko whispered, sighing in relief, then, all of a sudden, she pulled out of the embrace and held his shoulders, shaking him slightly, "Daisuke, I was so worried!" She repeated herself, louder, anger strong in her voice now, "Daisuke, do you have any idea what the time is? You don't ever worry me like that again, do you hear me?.!" She shook him by the shoulders, then pulled him into another embrace, "I am _so_ mad at you…" She said, her voice a whisper again now, "What happened?"

Daisuke sighed, "I need to go to bed now, Mum." Daisuke mumbled.

Emiko let go, surprised, "Daisuke, what's gotten into you?"

"Nothing… I'm just tired."

"You tell me every thing in the morning, you hear me?" Emiko raised her voice again, letting go of him and storming off down the hallway.

Daisuke sighed again, trudging along the seemingly ever lasting hallway to his bedroom. He flopped down on his bed, his limbs so heavy, it felt like he was in slow motion, he was _so_ tired.

Thoughts rushed around his head, his eyes slid closed, and the inevitable guilt greeted him.

A pang of worry struck his heart as he thought about the excuses he would have to tell his Mother in the morning, about the apologies he'd have to say to Satoshi, of how he'd have to get up in the morning and go to school and explain how he 'forgot' to do the mountain of home work. How he'd have to just keep doing the same things… over and over, how many apologies he'd have to make, how he'd have to force a smile all day.

He sighed again, thinking of all the worries.

_Daisuke, sleep now – it's past midnight. Forget about them for a second, will you? _Dark said, annoyance clear in his sleepy tone.

Daisuke rolled over, pulling the duvet over his fully clothed, slender frame.

He wished he could. Wished he could just forget about all those worries, all those commitments, the guilt… He wished that it would just all go away, float away on the wind. But he couldn't forget about them.

Hours of sleepless anxiety

He was almost too tired to be tired now.

Too tired to sleep.

His eyes begged for sleep to come, dry and painful as he lay there, staring at the blank ceiling.

Back here again.

He wiped away the tears trickling down his cheek, wondering why he was so sad, wondering why he was thinking these things, why he was questioning his happiness.

He wanted to be happy, right?

He wanted to get away from this endless sorrow that haunted him, gave him panic attacks, made him worry, made him stare up at this same ceiling.

He shook his head, turning on his side. He glanced at the clock, the numbers blurred.

It read two past four in the morning.

Daisuke sighed again. Four more hours and he'd have to get up for school. The only good point was that it was a Friday tomorro- … Tomorrow was today now.

There was no way he'd get to sleep now. He was so tired. Oh so tired.

He ran a hand through his hair.

It was in desperate need of a wash. He forced himself out of bed in one, quick motion. He felt the blood rush to his head as he stood up, swaying where he stood.

He walked unsteadily to the door, squinting in tiredness. He pushed his door open and stumbled into the bathroom, and over to the huge, bathtub. He turned on the tap and watched the warm water flow, and hit the bottom of the bathtub. The steam rose up into the air.

Daisuke climbed clumsily into the water filled bathtub, not even bothering to remove his clothes.

He lay there, fully clothed in the steaming water, and closed his eyes, sighing, breathing slowly, his depressing thoughts echoing around his head as he

By eight in the morning, the water had turned icy cold, but Daisuke still lay there, eyes closed, tired and shivering.

"Dai! Breakfast is ready, get up, sleepy head!" Emiko's sing-song voice called out.

Daisuke's eyes snapped open, and he jumped, forgetting for a moment where he lay. Freezing cold water splashed over the floor, Daisuke groaned as the sunlight from the small window blared down on him, creating a blinding head ache.

He sighed in discomfort, the worries from last night coming back to haunt him, and the daunting day looming in front of him.

He ran a hand though his hair. It was drenched with icy cold water, so _that_ was what was making him shiver and shake; the cold bath water.

He'd spent half the night in a bath tub. A small smile awakened on his blue-tinted lips, in spite of himself.

----------------------------xXx-------------xXx------------xXx------------------------

Eeeh… I'm so sorry for the ending… I couldn't think of what to write, and a random idea popped into my head, sorrysorrysorry… Oh, and I'm sorry for dragging the first bit on and on…

Eeee, I've got so many ideas for the next chapter! All very strange, but still, I can't wait to get writing! I think it'll include a little more of Dark, and more of Satoshi...

Hope you enjoyed Chapter four of Aijou : )

See you soon, THANK YOU FOR READING!!!

Please review xXx


	5. Away with the fairies

_ShadowRat _– Eeeee! I'm super-glad you liked the strange ending with the bath and all, it was kinda late and I'd just had a mountain of chocolate… so… yeah… Daisuke and Satoshi pairing? Hmm, that pairing for this fanfic was playing on my mind at the beginning, too (Snap!) I wasn't sure it would fit, though… Maybe a little later on… hehheh, ideas, ideas… mwa ha ha ha! Ooh, Bloody Lullaby? Sounds good : ) I'll read it after I've had enough of writing fanfictions for today xXx Ah! I adore loads of the bands you mentioned, they're all amazing, especially Coldplay! And a Loveless, Death Note or Full metal Alchemist fanfiction? Really? . I'm kinda in a love/hate relationship with Death Note (I've just finished Book 7… Have you read it? I cried… Not gunna put any spoilers up here, though: )) Godchild and Angel Sanctuary? I've flicked through them in the shops, when I finally get money I'll get them, they looked really good :) And a friend of mine read Twilight! They loved it, I'm hoping to read it soon, it sounds really interesting X) And, as always: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR AMAZING REVIEW! I really liked it! THANK YOU! Hope you enjoy Chapter five!

_ehblahbing _– Eeee! I'm glad you liked my rather strange story! Thank you! xXx

_Hittocerebattosai – _Heheh, really, really, really glad you liked it… The bathtub thing was a kinda a 'oh no, I don't have any thing to write, ideas, ideas, I'll go with this one'-one time off thing… I hope XD

Well, here it is, love you all, thank you, thank you, thank you!

------------------------------------------xXx-----------------------------------------------

Daisuke sighed moodily, walking along the familiar road to school, already late. If he was already going to be five minutes late, he didn't need to rush. Why not make it 20 minutes late, instead?

He was surprised he was only five minutes late, after the night he'd experienced. No sleep what so ever, just laying there in freezing cold water. Jerked out of his thoughts by his Mother's cheerful voice, then having to rush to conceal the fact that he'd spent the night out of bed, floating in icy water, then having to dry himself, dress, then run out of the door before Emiko found him, before she could question him about the previous evening.

Now he was out here, in the bitter winter cold, his stomach rumbling, his limbs heavy, his neck in agony from the awkward position he'd spent the night in, his whole body coated in a sick, clammy, sticky layer of water that he hadn't been able to scrub off with the small towel. His crimson hair was damp, and as the winter air met the droplets of water; he shivered.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, his mind running through all the things the day had in stock for him. School, teachers asking him why he was late, where his home work was, Riku smiling at him, expecting him to smile back, every one expecting him to be the person they thought they knew.

Was he that same person now?

Or was he somebody different – could experiences change you? Yes. Could they make you a different person? Yes. So then why was it so hard to accept that he was different?

He'd accepted it.

Why couldn't every one else?

Why did they insist he wasn't feeling well, why did they think he was Dark?

_They're just worried, you know. _Dark's voice sounded suddenly. His tone was some what different to his normal, annoyed voice he seemed to use these days. Daisuke couldn't figure out what emotions swam in the depths of Dark's voice. It seemed so unfair that Dark could listen with ease to all of Daisuke's thoughts, but he, himself couldn't hear so much as a whisper of Dark's monologues and thoughts.

Daisuke took long, slow steps, hoping that he'd provide more time for thinking up excuses for all the home work he hadn't done.

He didn't see the point of home work any more, he'd used to, yes – but now it just seemed like another thing he _had_ to do because some one said so.

And he'd have to explain himself to all the different teachers today. He'd have to explain why he was late, explain why his uniform was dirty, explain why he was 'acting out', say he was sorry, lie, sorry, sorry, sorry… It all just seemed pointless.

He'd much rather be out, doing things that _mattered_, doing things he wanted to do, or he'd rather spend the day at home, laying in his bed, attempting to catch up on sleep, or if that failed, he'd just lay there.

He liked that idea.

Just laying there, getting things in order, he needed time to think.

He needed time.

But every one seemed to be taking that one thing away from him, it was maddening. He wanted his time, because it was his, and he wanted it.

If he put it like that, it seemed the simplest thing in the world.

So why was it so difficult to do? For people to agree with, for him to work out?

He inhaled a clear, icy breath of winter air and a small smile spread across his lips. He didn't know why he liked the winter season so much. He just did. It made him feel… in control, it made him feel better about things, like things were simple, like he could just breathe in cold air, and see things clearly.

That's what it _felt_ like, but he knew that it couldn't be more different.

Maybe he'd just go home right now? Claim he wasn't feeling well, go to bed, say he was going to sleep… and then he'd just have time to… think. Get things in order, see things clearly.

It seemed so appealing now, compared to the prospect of school.

If he just ran away from his worries for a few more days… then it would all be okay… just a little more time… that would do it, then he'd be all sorted out, he'd be okay. That was what he wanted, right? To just be okay. Okay…

What he wanted was to stop questioning every thing. Right?

_Daisuke, shut up and just go to school. _

Daisuke rolled his eyes, more to deflect the words than any thing else. Dark scared him some times, he couldn't read the Phantom Thief at all, couldn't tell what he was thinking, come to think of it, Daisuke didn't actually know that much about Dark at all.

It was strange, but he didn't care about that any more.

He'd just come to accept that Dark was there, that Dark was a part of him, and that was that. He wanted to know how and why, but Dark was just there… it was sort of comforting, having another person there, that could just… be there… Like Dark had been there last night, when Daisuke had lost himself. He liked knowing that there was a sort of safety net, some one to fall back on, some one to take over if things got too tough. It was nice, knowing that some one else was there, that he'd never be alone.

Then again, Dark was _always_ there, that meant Daisuke would never, ever be alone. It was kind of comforting, and at the same time; stressful and annoying.

He'd never just have time to think.

It all seemed to be coming back to that today. Time to think. That's what he needed.

He guessed he just wanted to be _happy_, what ever _happy_ was.

He'd thought he'd been happy a couple of days ago, every thing was so simple then. It was scary, how one day could change your life like that.

The day that he'd come to face the fact that he was in love with Riku, not Risa.

The day that he'd found out that another person would be sharing his body until he could get some one to truly love him in return.

Back before he knew Dark, he'd only had to concentrate on simple things, he'd only had to worry about school and, well, Risa. Now the worries seemed to have doubled, tripled, expanded, twisted into a shape that he couldn't even begin to think about.

He just wanted to be back where he used to be, where he was so darn ignorant. Now he understood things, now he realized all the things around him… torture; that's what it was.

Now he thought about all the things out there, all the people, all the things happening – it just made his simple life seem so insignificant, almost not worth living.  
He wanted to change that, he really did – he wanted to make a change, he wanted to be different, he wanted to change.

That just made him sound like an adolescent teenager who wanted to rebel, get away from the world.

Was that what he was?

He didn't know. Did he want to?

He just wanted some time to think, that was all.

He felt a sudden emotion build up inside of him, and all of a sudden; he wanted to cry.

He just wanted to burst out, scream, bawl, whine, complain about all the things that he wanted to do, and all of things he had to do…

He felt tears trickle down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, before they could leave a stain, before any one saw… before he had time to register what they meant.

All of these things seemed to be building up, blocking out the sun. He couldn't see what they all were. It was like… as soon as he figured out one, he'd move onto the next… and when he turned back round, the first one he'd worked out had moved on, mutated, expanded, blown out of proportion.

_That_ was why he needed time. That was why he wanted to get away for a day or two and just stop. Stop time and figure out why he was feeling this way, what he wanted to do, what he needed to do… what to do. He just needed _time._

Daisuke blinked, snapping out of his thoughts for the briefest of moments… then he realized where he was supposed to be going.

He almost laughed. He'd been thinking away his time about how he needed to think. How stupid was that? No wonder he couldn't figure out any thing.

He sniffed again, begging the tears not to awaken again. He glanced down at his watch, now he was almost an hour late to school. An hour? Had he really spent a whole hour just thinking, just walking with his hands stuffed in his pockets, just _thinking_?

Now he had to go to school.

Or was there any point?

No.

But he still had to go, right?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

What about school?

What about it?

This is called cutting school, it's illegal.

So?

He still had to go, right…?

No, please just NO.

Why? he could just go there, and drift through it, right?

No, no, no.

It'll be better, it would be okay, if he could just go there, do it, he'd only have to say sorry a few hundred times, and just... get through it…

Why? What's the point? Is there any point? No! Just no, say no, please say no…

_Just go. _

Daisuke blinked, Dark had interrupted his internal battle, made a decision for him. He was half outraged, half grateful.

He caught the bus to school half heartedly, and walked into the familiar, boring school. It was the middle of morning break. People were milling around, talking, laughing, playing football, grinning…

He flicked his hair out of his eyes and bit his lip. This was the first time he'd been guilty of being this late. Would any one notice? Did they care? He stuffed his hands into his pockets, and looked around, unsure of what to do. Should he go to a teacher and say that he was here? That seemed pointless. Should he wait till his next lesson to tell them where he was? Wait, what could he say? That he was just walking around? No. Or could he? What would they do? Would they just say they were 'disappointed in him'? Call his Mother? Give him detention? Take away more of his time? What could he do? What could they do?

"Daisuke!" He heard some one's voice call out across the tide of people in the grounds, "Daisuke, where have you been?" Riku came running up to him, out of breath, and grinning.

He couldn't help himself returning the smile. She looked so beautiful, it was impossible not to smile.

She came to a halt in front of him, smiling, "Where were you?"

Daisuke opened his mouth, and paused, unsure of what to say, "I… was at the dentists," He said coolly, without a second thought, he felt no guilt at all, it was scary how he could just lie like that. Scary, but slightly pleasing.

"You were? I didn't know," She laughed comically, even though, Daisuke thought, it wasn't the slightest bit funny.

"… Yeah," He nodded, "So… What did I miss?"

Riku shrugged, still slightly out of breath from running over to him, "Nothing much, just math, we're revising for a big test next week." She smiled, "It sounds really tough…"

Daisuke sighed, his heart sinking; another worry. A test. A maths test, too… Great.

"… But don't worry about it – you'll probably get a catch up lunch time or something… Satoshi's away today, so he missed it, as well as you, so you'll probably have it together…"

Daisuke only caught the start of her sentence, "… Satoshi… Satoshi's away?" Daisuke felt the guilt of last night over whelm him.

"Yeah, I'm not sure why… Hey, Daisuke, are you okay?" Riku smiled nervously.

"Uh huh," Daisuke nodded airily, his mind some where else completely.

Riku laughed again, "I think you're away with the fairies there!" She grinned.

"Huh?"

Riku paused, "Your head in the clouds," She explained, "I dunno, you seem so different today… Is any thing wrong?"

Daisuke shook his head automatically, and forced his cold features into some sort of smile.

He took another breath of the winter air, cool and calm.

Daisuke looked up at the sky, his smile dropping. The white clouds billowed out, stretching over the whole sky, into the distance, covering the blue skies in a mask of soft, clean, calm whiteness. It was calming, some how.

He loved winter.

Summer seemed so hectic and stressful, humid and sunny… then again, he remembered the smiles, the happiness of it all, of last summer.

Then he thought of now. Would this summer coming be like the last one at all? Would it be sweet, relaxing, calm, sunny, warm – or would it be sticky, humid and yet cold and crazy? Who would he be by summer?

Would he be the same person as he was now?

Or would he have changed again?  
He didn't like the idea that he would keep changing; he'd never be this person again… would he? He hated that – he was some one else last week. He would be some one else by next week… wouldn't he? Where would he be next week? Where would he be three years from now? What would he be doing? What would he be, who would he be in twenty years time? Married, divorced, single, in love, still with Riku, or would he have moved on? Would he have a child? Would he have to break the news to them that they were to be the great Phantom Thief? Would he be employed? Would he be broke? Would he be in America, England or Australia? What would he be doing? Would he ever look back and feel sorry for himself right now or would –

Too confusing, too much…

The bell rang, loud and shrill, jerking him out of his trance.

He was in school, every one around him smiling and talking, Riku was staring at him, a curious, worried expression on her pretty face. She'd been staring at him for all that time.

"Sorry," Daisuke said automatically, "Shall we go?"

"Sure." She replied. Her voice was down, like she was sad…

Sad for him?

Was this emotion just for him?

Daisuke suddenly felt privileged, happy that she was doing that for him… Was that love? Right there – was that love? Happy that she was doing some thing for him?

Then he felt hollow, guilty and disgusted that he was feeling this out burst of joy when she was feeling low.

Was he feeling happiness?

Was she feeling sorrow?

"Come on," Daisuke smiled, over come by this feeling of…

Love.

He would dub this feeling 'love' for now.

Daisuke smiled, feeling content for once, feeling the need to not question any thing, or any one… it felt good.

This was what he needed, he needed Riku.

Didn't he?

-------------------------There-------------------We-------------------Go---------------------xXx--------

Yay! I loved writing that last bit, where he was happy…

Any ways, I should be able to update a lot more next, next week… it's finally the HOLIDAYS! YAY! I can't wait! Eeeeeee!

I hoped you liked this chapter as much as I liked writing it… This is the most I've had writing for a very, very long time xXx

And I've got a lot of ideas for the next chapter – Lots about Satoshi and Dark's feelings and stuff… I've already got it planned out… sort of…

So, yes, THANK YOU FOR READING IT, LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS 3

Please leave a review xXx


	6. Is this love?

_ShadowRat – _Eeee, I love cute shonen-ai moments, I'm a sucker for all clichés and romantic fluff… I really wanna do another DaisukeXSatoshi fanfiction, I don't know why, but I really love that pairing… Maybe this one will turn into yet another Dai and Sato fic, you never know! _'You write really well, thats y I think ud probably do really well on those. Even if its just a one-shot!'_ Eee, you're too nice . To tell the truth, I've been jotting down more and more ideas for oneshots, especially Hana-kimi (Have you read any of that? I love it.) And I've just posted up a one-shot-type-thing for Hana kimi, which is scary… yeah, so, more and more oneshots to come! Oh! And one of my best friends bought Godchild a couple of days ago! So I'm hoping I can borrow it off her, she says it's really, really good. : ) And I hope you get all your art, anime and manga back real soon. Sorry for going on so long, and, once again: THANK YOU FOR THE FANTASTIC REVIEW! xXx

_hittocerebattosai –_ Uh huh! It's really weird, I'm having the most fun I've had writing… well, any thing. Strange, huh?

_Violet Garnets –_ 'A stormy ocean'? I really like that metaphor, it's very… like him… In this fanfiction, any way. And thank you for all the reviews! And YAY! RikuXDai fluff! I'm a sucker for cliché's and all that romantic moosh… Though… it wasn't really fluff… I guess that's as close to idealistic romance this fic's gunna get! XD Or… not… I've got the ending planned already, I hope it's not too soppy…

Yay, here it is! Chapter six already? Wow, where does the time go? It only seemed like yesterday that I was trying to think up a name… (Thankies again, Marz, for the name: Aijou, which means Love and Sorrow… I thought the English translation fitted for this strange story…) Any way, back to the story!

---------------Hope---------------You----------------Like-------------------It------------------

If this wasn't love, then he didn't know what was… He was in love, wasn't he? If he wasn't, then Dark wouldn't be here, right? But… He had been in love with Risa, which was why Dark had pushed into his life… Now he was feeling all these different emotions directed towards Riku, not Risa.

If his affection could shift so quickly from one person to the next, then could Daisuke not feel these feelings for Riku tomorrow? How long would it be before his love for Riku started to wilt? A day? A week? A month? A year? 20 years? A lifetime?

Right now, as he felt sorrow well up inside of him again, he couldn't imagine not loving Riku.

Assuming that this emotion was 'love', that is.

He loved Riku.

He wanted to be with her.

He wanted to make her smile.

He wanted to be there so she was never sad.

He wanted her affection in return.

He wanted to know that she loved him.

He wanted to know for sure that he loved her…

He wanted Riku to know that he loved her.

That was love.

That _had_ to be love.

If it wasn't, then what was? How could people be so fickle? How could _he_ be so fickle?

---------What's-------Satoshi---------------Doing-------------?----------------------------

Satoshi moaned in tiredness, shifting his position slightly. Then, all of a sudden, he was crashing onto the cold, hard floor.

His blue eyes snapped open, then the pain greeted him. "Ow," He mumbled, his bright eyes swimming into focus. He was on the Living room floor. He must have fallen asleep on the sofa again, then fallen off, onto the floor. Satoshi rubbed his head moodily; not the greatest of mornings.

He ran a hand through his hair, and sat up, scanning his surroundings for his glasses. A loud, sickening '_crack_' sounded from underneath him.

He sighed again, knowing full well what had happened. He looked down and saw broken shards of glass under his hand, a smear of blood on the sharp edge of one of the pieces.

"Ow," He said automatically, but there was no pain, thankfully. He scrambled off the dangerous, shattered glass and examined his hand. It wasn't the deepest of cuts, but it was still not the nicest of grazes.

He strolled into the small bathroom, and threw open the doors of the cupboard. Pills, bandages… Plasters. He extracted one from it's casing and gently put it onto his bleeding cut.

He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror hanging over the sink. Satoshi paused for a second, staring into his reflection's bright blue eyes. There were dark shadows under his eyes, his sky blue hair hung in limp strands, his pale skin was verging on an unhealthy colour, his eyes – exposed, without the screen of his glasses to mask them… The reflection shocked him for the briefest of seconds.

Then his reflection was gone, and Krad was staring back at him, grinning slyly.

Satoshi looked away, and strode back into the living room, armed with a dustpan and brush. He cleared up the broken glasses swiftly, then emptied the frame and shards into the bin.

He glanced at his wrist watch… "Oh," He said, shocked out of his preoccupied mind. It was late. And it was a school day… _And_ it was the day after he'd caused Daisuke to run off like that… What if Daisuke had showed up for school, and questioned Satoshi's absence? Then again, what if Daisuke wasn't there? Where was Daisuke? Would he have just stormed home? Or could he have marched off into the late night?

Daisuke hadn't been making sense lately… so it was… hard to predict what Daisuke would have done.

Satoshi leant on the kitchen table, the sun shining in from the window, onto his pale face. Was Daisuke just having a rough day, or was it more? Was it the redhead's delayed reaction to Dark barging into his life? Was it the confusion of it all? Was it him? Was it Satoshi?

There were so many different reasons that could have made Daisuke act the way he did last night in the icy coldness of the street…

Happiness was so temperamental.

Satoshi snapped out of his daze… and exhaled slowly. Was every one changing? Was it just another part of life?

Best not to dwell on those subjects.

Satoshi shook his head again, and started grabbing his school things, and reached for his mobile phone, punched in the number of school, "Yes, hello…"

--------------------------Hope----------------You're----------------Enjoying---------------It----------xXx---------

"Daisuke, what's wrong?" Riku's voice sounded above his thoughts, cutting through his mind like, parting his thoughts into chaos.

Daisuke looked up, and his eyes met Riku's – and he felt a burning sensation in his chest and eyes. He blinked frantically, "Yes?" He managed to keep his voice steady.

"… Are you sure you're okay? I mean, positive? You seem really distant today." She questioned softly, her eyes piercing, seeking an answer that Daisuke couldn't give.

"Yeah, positive," Daisuke forced his cold features into what he hoped would resemble a smile. He looked away from her gaze, and saw that they were outside their classroom. "Shall we go in?"

"Yeah," She paused, then smiled up at him, "What did you get for question eight on the sheet? I didn't really get it, neither did Risa."

"Question eight?"

"On the home work sheet?" Riku added.

"I didn't do it," Daisuke said truthfully, walking into the classroom, leaving a rather confused Riku behind. She followed him in, taking her seat at the front of the class.

Daisuke seated himself at his desk, hoping beyond hope that they the teacher hadn't been able to make it to the lesson, wishing for some reason for the lesson to be cancelled, any thing.

The teacher walked in.

Daisuke felt his heart sink as his pulse rocketed. He felt so nervous; this was the first time he'd broken two rules… he was so scared of the teacher's reaction, but at the same time, that thrill of excitement was spreading through him.

Daisuke's warm, red hair fell across his face – it was still damp from the previous night. He flicked it out of his eyes with one, swift motion. He leant back in his chair, begging himself to relax. He could feel a light flush creep up his neck as his heart pounded in his chest.

He didn't know what he was so darn worried about; the worst the teacher would do was shout. So then why was he nervous? He guessed it was because he'd spent his whole life being taught that this was wrong, it had been imprinted into his brain, rammed into his very way of life to abide by the rules… And now he was going against that. It was dangerous, though it wasn't, if he took a calm, winter breath and thought about it realistically… but it still felt like he was swallowing fire or some thing…

"Daisuke?" The teacher said, surprised.

Daisuke looked up, "Yes?"

"You weren't here this morning, I didn't get a call from your family this morning, where were you?" The teacher looked expectantly at the redhead.

Daisuke felt his face flush pink for a second, as he felt so many eyes on him, but he quickly shook the feeling of embarrassment off, "I was…" He cleared his throat, "I was at the dentists. I thought my Mum phoned in, but she's not feeling too well right now, I guess she's still in bed." He paused again, "Actually, I'm not feeling very well either. Can I…" He halted again, this time on purpose, he coughed, "Can I go lay down or some thing, please?"

The teacher's stern face turned to an expression of concern, "You do seem to be acting a little differently from normal, Daisuke. What's wrong?"

"Umm, I just feel tired and… worn out… I've got a headache, and…" He trailed off, hoping beyond hope for a reason not to do the lesson.

"… Okay, if you feel any better, please come back to class. Do you need some one to accompany you to the nurse's office?" The teacher re-arranged her features into a warm smile.

"I think I'll be okay on my own, thank you," Daisuke replied.

Riku's head tilted to the side in confusion, if Daisuke wasn't feeling well, why hadn't he told her? Was Daisuke okay? Had he been ill for the last couple of days… To tell the truth, she thought, he had been acting rather strange. Though why hadn't he told her…? She bit her lip, willing him to catch her eye and give her a reassuring look of comfort. Honestly, Riku felt a little hurt. _Hurt_. Hurt that Daisuke hadn't told her that he wasn't feeling well. She stared at him, willing him to give her a grin or a look of meaningful reassurance.

But no look of warmth came from Daisuke.

Daisuke nodded, his cold gaze lingering for a second on the teacher, and then he stood up swiftly, slinging his school bag over his shoulder and walking hurriedly out of the classroom. He could hear the lesson starting up again, and for one second, he was so, utterly, completely glad that he wasn't in there, wasn't having to explain why he was angry, why he hadn't done his home work…

Then the guilt set in.

He almost expected Dark to sigh, and tell him to just go home, and tell him to do his home work, get some sleep and…

Expected? No, he _wanted_ Dark to tell him those things… Even though he hated it, even though he wouldn't do them… He just wanted to know some one was there.

But Dark remained silent.

Daisuke sighed moodily, and carried on walking through the empty corridors of his school. The school seemed different when there was nobody milling around in the hallways – it wasn't the first time he'd been walking these halls alone, but today, somehow, it felt different… He couldn't explain how, even if he wanted to, but it felt unearthly… It felt like this time, he was really alone.

_Christ, Daisuke, stop being so melodramatic, _Dark's voice came out of nowhere. There was real annoyance now – no, it had gone past annoyance, this was pure exhaustion mingled with anger.

Daisuke smiled wryly; he was sort of glad to hear Dark's voice, yet at the same time, angry that Dark was annoyed and ordering him around… And scared that Dark was that angry…

Daisuke flicked his hair out of his eyes, and his vision roamed from the tiles of the white ceiling to the dirt on the floor. It was kind of… exciting; being out of lessons and walking through the corridors while every one else was in their classrooms, heads down, with Daisuke walking tall. It felt good, knowing he was stretching the rules… but at the back of his mind, it was terrifying. The rush of adrenalin over powering all.

Daisuke looked up, his feet were leading him in the direction of the nurse's office – but was he sure that was where he wanted to go?

His indecisive thoughts were put on hold when he saw Satoshi walking hurriedly down the hall, straight towards him. Daisuke froze, the events of the previous evening flooding back to him.

"Hello," Daisuke said suddenly.

Satoshi looked up, surprised, "Hello… umm… Where are you going?" He looked around – no one else was walking down the corridor, meaning that every one else was in lessons… except Daisuke and him – He'd over slept – What was Daisuke doing out of class? Satoshi stared at Daisuke, racking his mind for a possible reason for the redhead to be out of class.

"I was just going to the…" Daisuke paused, "Nurse's office, I just had to go and do some… thing…" He trailed off, "What are you doing here?" His tone was blank, if a little surprised.

"I overslept." Satoshi stated truthfully, "I thought I better come in, I only woke up about half an hour ago."

Silence reigned over the hallway, bringing down an awkward, cold blanket of insecurity on both of them.

"… You're going to the nurse's office?" Satoshi attempted to start a conversation, "What's wrong?"

"… Nothing much," Daisuke answered, reluctant to admit to lying to get out of class, "I just need to lay down for a bit."

"Oh," Satoshi nodded, then paused, "Any thing to do with last night?" He asked tentatively, then mentally cursing himself for asking such a sensitive question.

Daisuke jerked his gaze upwards, "Last night?" Then the memories re-awakened: Shouting at Satoshi, over reacting, then storming off into the darkness of the night. "Oh, yeah… Umm," He hesitated, "Not sure. Sorry."

"It's okay," Satoshi said blankly, "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay."  
They both directed their gazes down to the floor.

Daisuke bit his lip. He felt so guilty for yelling at Satoshi, and now he felt worse for not being able to strike up a conversation with him, to at least say he was sorry. It was like he was concentrating too much on wanting to talk, that he simply couldn't. He hated this – not being able to create a conversation with one of his friends. It was torture, and now Satoshi's opinion of him had probably reached rock bottom.

Daisuke glanced up – it looked like Satoshi was just as awkward as him.

"Do you want me to come with you to the nurse's office?"

Daisuke blinked, registering what Satoshi had just said. He'd almost forgotten about going to the nurse's office. "Sure."

The two boys set off for the nurse's office at a slow pace, each frantically scanning their minds for some thing – any thing – to say.

Dark silently watching the situation, a growing worry welling up inside of him…

-----------------------The------------------------------End-------------------Of--------------Chapter---------------------Six----------------------

Eeeh… My sorrys: Sorry for the terrible ending, I couldn't really think how to end it… Sorry for not including so much of Dark's and Sato's feelings… I really want to write their perspectives of things, but I can't find a way to introduce them… And sorry for not updating in so long… eeh… It's the half-term-school-break-thing and it's fantastic, but I've been going out so much and sleeping away the days I haven't had the time I used to use for spending glorious hours in front of the computer any more… ; ;

Yeah, so: THANK YOU EVER SO EVER SO MUCH FOR READING!

Please let me know what you think of it : )

Love yoooooouu xXx


	7. Trust

Eeeh, sorry for the last chapter… It was kinda… uuurrghh…

Yeah, so, hi every one! Welcome to the 7th chapter of Aijou! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

------Yay!-------------Here-----------We-------------Go!-----------------xXx---------------

As their footsteps echoed along the empty hallway, Satoshi sighed heavily, feeling sort of exposed, abnormal, naked and bare without his glasses on. The shattered frames and fragments of glass lay the bin at home. Maybe he should have just stayed in his apartment? There wouldn't be any tension at all if he were at home… sitting on the sofa, staring into space… But, then again; the worry and anxiety would probably drive him insane. He never used to have this kind of emotional problem before, it was just now that he was realizing how temperamental emotions like joy and sorrow could be…

He flicked his sky blue hair out of his eyes, then the thought crossed his mind of how blatantly stupid he was being. He was walking here with Daisuke, the person who'd been causing him the most worry… and here he was, thinking about some thing completely distant, rather than concentrating on trying to make conversation… Had he even said he was sorry yet?

Daisuke bit his lip, wandering what Satoshi was thinking. Was the blue haired teenager angry? Sad? Confused? Annoyed? Worried…? Daisuke glanced up at Satoshi, then blurted out the first thing that entered his mind, "Hey! You're not wearing your glasses today!" He said, his voice surprisingly upbeat and alien to him.

Satoshi flinched slightly at the loudness and confidence of Daisuke's voice, shocking him out of his preoccupied mind, "Oh, yeah – I broke them this morning…"

Daisuke tilted his head slightly to the left, surprising even himself at his sudden outburst of (for lack of a better word…-.-) good-heartedness. "Can you see without them?"

"Yes, it's just a little strange not wearing them," Satoshi said blankly.

"Wow," Daisuke nodded enthusiastically, then he noticed he was smiling. That shocked him, but still, his smile held.

Satoshi gave a small smile, unsure quite what to say, "Yeah…" He paused, fumbling his words clumsily, racking his brain for a reply, "Are you okay?"

Daisuke tilted his head again, "Huh? Yes… Why?"

"You said you had to go to the nurse's office."

"Oh…" The memories suddenly flashed back to him, and he automatically felt horribly guilty and sick. Sick of himself, sick of all this, sick that he was making Satoshi feel bad, sick of every thing, sick of this low, sick of these sudden thoughts, sick of his mind, sick of every thing… sick of his sickness. Daisuke stared into nothingness for a moment. Sick of his sickness… Sickness… That's what depression is, isn't it? It's contagious, it's horrible, and when it's there; it doesn't seem to ever go away. It infects your school life, your social life, it changes you. You can't picture how you were when you weren't sad, just… all you want is to get back to those younger years, when you were smiling, when your worries weren't daunting, just things that needed looking at, there was no pressure, never angry, never sad, never laying awake just thinking and letting your mind run riot with sorrow…

That's what he was. He was sick. This whole thing was sick.

Then reality snapped back into place, and the whole situation became apparent.

He was pretending to be sick. Pretending so he could get out of class, so he could get away…

… Get away…

Just get away from all this… Daisuke wanted to do it now, right now – just run away from all of this, all of his problems… what would happen if he just… ran away from all of it? Bliss. None of these problems, no expectations to live up to.

But he couldn't live without this.

He didn't know what do to.

He knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn't sure if he could do it. And he knew full well that in a couple of hours time, he'd feel differently about the whole affair. In a few hours… he'd be a different person. Would he?

"Daisuke?"

"What?" Daisuke looked up, and suddenly realized that he'd let his mind drift into the sorrowful thoughts once again, "Oh. Sorry. What was that?"

"What's wrong?" Satoshi asked tentatively, repeating the question.

Daisuke paused, thinking of how he was supposed to be sick, "I have a headache and I've been feeling a little off colour for a few days now. I just don't feel 100 at the moment. That's all." Daisuke said defensively, his voice now hollow. The lies spewing out of his mouth easily.

"Oh, I hope the rest helps…" Satoshi nodded.

Daisuke realized that they'd slowed to a sudden halt. He looked around, and laid his gaze on the grim door of the nurse's office. "Thanks." He heard himself say.

"Hope you feel better soon," Satoshi said robotically, unsure of what to say. Agony.

"Thank you… Bye," Daisuke nodded awkwardly.

"… See you then…"

And all of a sudden, Daisuke was standing alone in a dirty white corridor, outside the nurse's office, with no intentions of going in.

He wasn't sure what he needed to do.

Then, in a flash, the door in front of him swung open and a woman stood there, just as surprised to see him as he was to see her, "Oh, hello," The woman said sweetly.

She was in her late 20's, wearing a dull jumper and smart black trousers, holding an empty cup in her hand. She had quite a pretty face, though the thick layer of make up made her look superficial and plasticy.

"Hi," Daisuke said shakily.

"Do… you need some thing?" She asked, forcing her lips into a kind, warm smile.

"Umm… y…yeah, I'm not feeling too well…" Daisuke muttered, looking down at the floor.

"Oh!" She said, stepping back, "Please come in, I was just going to return this," She gestured to the empty cup in her hand, "To the staff room… I'll be back in a second, please feel free to lay down," She smiled again, brushed her long black hair behind her ears and hurried off.

Daisuke stood motionless for a second, then walked briefly into the room. It was small and cramped, but it had a very warm, cosy feel to it. It was almost reassuring. This was the first time he'd been in here. It felt nice.

He sat down on the high bed, and looked around. There were shelves of books on the walls which were painting a sunset shade of pale yellow. The window looked out upon the school grounds, the cold light of winter shining in through the glass, contrasting with the warm feeling of the office.

He sighed heavily, laying his head back against the wall.

"Hello," The woman, which Daisuke assumed was the nurse, bustled back into the room, "Sorry about that…" She closed the door gently, then sat down swiftly on the chair next to the bed which Daisuke sat on, "So," She broke a smile again, "What's wrong?"

Daisuke paused, slightly put off by all the smiling, "I just…" – What had he just said to Satoshi? – "I… Have a bit of a head ache and I just feel exhausted and weird… I… I've been feeling a little off colour… for a couple of days…" He mumbled, annoyed at the smile spread across her face. It seemed too personal, too friendly.

"Oh…Hmm… It sounds to me like you just need a bit of a rest," She smiled again.

Daisuke frowned. The smile was somehow piercing and warm, like her room – though he didn't like it now… it seemed too intimate, too intense, like he _had_ to be nice to her as well…

"I don't think I've seen you in here before… What's your name?" She asked happily.

"D… Daisuke Niwa." He answered moodily.

"Right, Daisuke, I think you just need a bit of a lay down. Do you think you can handle being at school, or do you think you'd rather be at home?"

Daisuke thought about it for a second or two; both options sounded boring, exhausting and sick… The truthful answer would be neither, but he knew he'd love to be any thing _but_ here, in this damned school… "Do you think I can go home?" He asked politely.

"Sure," She smiled again, "No one chooses to stay here," She winked, then got up and reached for the phone, "Can you dial your number?"

Daisuke nodded, and punched in his home phone number.  
"Thanks," She nodded, then turned away as Daisuke heard the faint ringing, "Hello, is this Ms Emiko Niwa talking? Good, this is the school calling about Mr Daisuke Niwa… Well, Emiko, he's not feeling too well, and we were just calling to ask if he could head home…"

Daisuke stopped listening, and just stared at the window, letting his mind drift…

The cold breeze flew past the window, making the strong trees sway in the wind, little pieces of litter and leaves swirled past. This season was a funny one. It brought rain, slow, sleet, cold, mild, windy, still, calm, temperamental…

"Daisuke?"

Daisuke looked back at the nurse expectantly.

"You're free to go – Emiko said it was okay to walk home, is that okay with you?"

"Yes, fine." Daisuke nodded.

"I'll fill in the forms, and you can start heading home…"

"Thanks."

"Have a nice day, be careful."

"Okay."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too."

"Bye bye!"

"Yeah." Daisuke nodded awkwardly, stood up, and walked easily out of the door, back into the dirty white corridor, strode to the end of the hall, rounded a corner, and… there he was.

He was outside, feeling the fresh, winter air on his expressionless face, standing in the door way, watching the wind whip past the swaying trees, alone, just… standing there.

He started walking.

Walking with a strange sense of pride mingled with an even stranger feeling of guilt. Walking with ease.

And that's what it was: ease. It was easy.

It was so easy to fake, to pretend, to just walk out of the dull school…

Every one trusted him, so they believed him. They believed him when he said that he wasn't feeling well, they just let him walk home without a second question or thought… It was kind of reassuring that they trusted him so much that they'd just let him do what ever he wanted, but also terrifying and dangerous that he could get away with this…

Did he want to get away with this?

… He wanted to get away _from _ this, but he wasn't sure whether he wanted to go through with all of this… Though bore a terrifying sense of independence, of danger, risks, rebelling, that he was doing some thing… doing some thing that he'd remember, that was throwing caution to the wind, that he was doing based on impulse, rather than worry and compassion… It was unsafe, dangerous, dirty, adult… Did he like that? It felt insecure, temperamental…

This was what he wanted to do, but now he was doing it… it felt dangerous… guilty…

But it was so damn _easy_ to do… it had been so easy to lie and deceive teachers, the smiling nurse… every one… he liked being able to do what he liked…

Did he? Did he really want every one's trust? Did he want every one to just… believe him and not question him, check that he was okay…? Was that what he wanted?

Wait… Why was he questioning every thing? Focus…

His hair was still damp and cold, hanging limp and heavy. He flicked the few stands out of his glinting eyes and looked up at the passing surroundings; any thing to tear his mind away from the endless, unanswerable questions …

He was walking at quite a rapid pace – at this rate, he'd be home before he even had time to breathe… He slowed himself down, and looked around him, hoping for some sort of distraction.

He caught a glimpse of a reflection in a shop window as he passed. But instead of the familiar face, the blurred image reflected dully in the glass of the window had a flash of deep, dark purple… the slim face, the pale skin… deep purple eyes filled with emotion… The eyes… His eyes… were filled with feelings, different mixed emotions, swirling around in the pools of purple, mingling, merging…

Dark.

Daisuke blinked, and carried on walking. He hadn't expected to see Dark here, he'd almost forgotten about him… Dark hadn't been talking as much lately, ever since last night when Daisuke had gotten himself stranded in the middle of a dark, sinister night and Dark had had to rescue him…

Dark hadn't been talking lately. Only throwing the odd comment of worry or anger out at him.

Was that Daisuke's fault?

Or was Dark simply changing, too? What was it? "Dark?" Daisuke muttered under his breath as he walked, keeping his voice low and quiet, so as not to draw any attention to the people walking past him in the busy street.

Daisuke waited for a few minutes, still walking steadily… No reply from Dark. Was Dark mad?

Daisuke frowned, a black, cold feeling building up inside of him.

So what if he'd made Dark mad? That was good, it meant that Dark was getting a taste of his own medicine, it meant that… it meant…

The icy feeling subsided, and guilt replaced the plague like emotion. What if Daisuke _had_ made Dark cross? What had he done?

"Dark?" Daisuke muttered, his voice soft, "… What's the matter?"

…'_What's the matter?' Daisuke, if I asked that, you'd have another head-fit. _The tone of Dark's voice was somewhat colder than usual.

It almost scared Daisuke more than getting no answer at all.

"I…" Daisuke said under the cover of a cough. Daisuke had no idea how to phrase his questions… It was silly, really… He was scared to ask, in case he made Dark even angrier…

_Whatever. _Dark muttered casually.

Daisuke's brow creased in a concerned frown. What kind of answer was 'what ever'?

A raindrop landed promptly on Daisuke's nose, making him take a sharp breath. He jerked his head upwards, to the swirling mist of grey sky above him, and saw many more raindrops falling from the sky.

He sighed, watching the light grey concrete of the pavement in front of him slowly turn a speckled dark, wet mass as he walked slowly.

The air stunk of rain, it felt stuffy and sticky… It felt like a totally different time to when he'd taken a breath and thought how clean the air tasted… Now somehow it felt like he couldn't fill his lungs, like he couldn't breathe as well as when the cold, crisp morning had dawned… The seasons were strange things. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to feel the sun's rays beat down on his skin again…

He wondered who he'd be then.

Would he be the same person as he was now? Or would he be some one different by the time summer came around?

He could only question, and Dark could only watch.

Watch from the back of Daisuke's darkening mind, hear the tainted thoughts and let his worry grow more and more.

¸,ø ¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø ¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤

Hey folks!

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I know it was kinda slow-moving, but kinda enjoyed writing it, especially the ending : )

I'm planning on doing the next chapter in Dark's point of view, or maybe a little bit of it… I'm not sure yet, but I wanna do some from Dark's perspective.

Well, hope you liked it, see you in Chapter eight! Yay!

Please leave a review xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx


	8. People

Hello all! Yay! Chapter eight! Are we here already?

_Note_: Just a little punctuation notice here to do with Dark's speech (or who ever is at the back of someone's mind, like Daisuke, Dark, Satoshi, Krad…). Instead of just doing _italics_, I've decided to add _"speech marks as well as being in italics" _For the dialogue of Dark… Just to make it a little easier to understand.

_Disclaimer: _I do not own the manga or anime of D.N.Angel. I do, however, own the depressing story line… I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing…

_Dedication: _Hi, this is written for Tishu, Hellsingandinuyasharock, Liquidzilla and Marz. The bestest friends in the whole wide world. X3 I don't know whether you'll ever get round to reading this (or even if you want to) but this is just to say an official 'thanks'. Thanks. xXx

Review reply thing! Yay!

Violet Garnets: Eee, really glad you liked it! Enjoy the next chappie xXx

ShadowRat: Thankies for the review: ) Enjoy the next chapter, here we go! xXx

hittocerebattosai: Yup, there's a little bit of Dark's perspective in here, hope you like it, thanks, yay, here we go!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - xXx Chapter 8 xXx - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - -- - - -

People were so strange. Constantly changing, relying on every thing, totally dependant on simple, temperamental objects. Putting their trust in such silly things, believing in what ever they could do detract from actually believing in themselves. Strange. And the majority were so strangely ignorant. Ignorant to the world, every one.

Daisuke sighed, walking alone, wandering around the light streets scattered with people on their lunch break. He was completely caught up in his thoughts, yet again. It was hard not to think, he'd become so accustomed to doing so. Always thinking, depressing himself.

- - - - - - - - - xXx What's – Dark – Doing - ? xXx - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dark couldn't ignore his tamer now. Daisuke's thoughts had gradually gotten more abstract and distant, and sitting here, in the back of Daisuke's crowded mind – there was nothing else to do except listen to Daisuke's mixed up thoughts.

He hadn't really bothered to listen to the first of Daisuke's ramblings. He guessed it was natural for every one to go through a sorrowful stage in life; Life wouldn't be life without depression. Depression was good, in moderation. Without sorrow, you can't really appreciate the really happy parts. Or at least that was Dark's messed up philosophy.

But Daisuke hadn't snapped out of it yet – the optimistic, bubbly character that Dark had known wasn't coming back… or at least it seemed that…

Dark sighed heavily, watching the world through some one else's eyes could become tiresome, especially when you were worried about some one important.

Dark frowned; Daisuke's screwed up thoughts were rubbing off on him, it seemed.

He just wanted Daisuke to snap out of this damned depression.

One minute Daisuke would be his happy, embarrassed self, and the next; the redhead would be depressed as hell.

It was so damn annoying… Just sitting here. Not knowing what to say, watching Daisuke's life, hearing all of Daisuke's thoughts… and not being able to do any thing except when Daisuke transformed into him. And then Daisuke would be the one sitting here.

Dark was just thankful that Daisuke couldn't listen in on his thoughts.

Dark rolled his eyes, "_Daisuke, just where do you think you're going?" _ Dark said, the anger and frustration building up inside of him.

He just wanted this whole phase to be over. Over and done with.

The most frustrating part was not knowing what the hell to say. What could any one say to some one in Daisuke's situation? 'Cheer up?' 'What's the matter?' 'Why the hell are you so sad?'

None of those seemed to fit what Dark wanted to say. What _did_ Dark want to say? He couldn't think of anything that would do.

It was just so _annoying_. He knew he shouldn't be annoyed that some one else was sad, but that was the truth. Annoying, annoying, annoying.

"_Daisuke, where the hell are you going?"_ Dark said moodily, repeating the age old question after no reply or acknowledgement from Daisuke.

Daisuke pursed his lips in a dull sign of annoyance, out of the corner of his mouth, he muttered, "Not home."

Dark felt the flush of frustration run through him again, what kind of an answer was 'not home'?.! Dark had already established that Daisuke had no intentions of returning home, he could tell just from the way the redhead walked… it was a strange walk, one with no purpose… one with no direction, they kind of walk you'd associate with some one in a rotten mood, one that's walking too slowly to look as if the person in question had a fixed destination, but too hasty to say that they weren't heading anywhere. You could tell a lot about a stranger, just by looking at the way they walked.

Dark put a stop to his trail of thought, realizing that he was thinking of something completely unrelated, the sort of thing that goes without saying. But it was still comforting to hear himself think. It sort of put things in perspective; thinking about ordinary, general, obvious topics that you could just drift into and not concentrate… but there was no time to simply lay back and not concentrate; there was more at stake now.

He didn't understand.

"_Okay, not home – then where? Are you just going to walk in circles till night again?"_

He really, really didn't understand.

He understood depression, he'd had many lows… but they'd been balanced out by the good points; the highs. But… Daisuke was someone he pictured as a smiling face, warm and friendly… this _new_ Daisuke didn't ever seem capable of going back. Right now, it felt different. Wrong. Scary. Dark felt scared.

In his lifetime, Dark had obviously experienced fear, he was the Phantom Thief, for goodness sake. But this was different; this was fear for someone else. He didn't want the mellow, easy world he'd become used to, to change into some strange, adult, _scary_, unsafe, dangerous land where he couldn't relax or let his guard down.

With the police, Krad, the Hiwatari family constantly trying to catch and kill him, it was almost impossible _not_ to let his guard down… but there had always been… been moments. There were always moments were you just couldn't _not_ smile… Where you couldn't help grinning, where you could just be content just _being… _But those times seemed long gone. _That_ scared him. No more of those precious moments that he'd just… taken for granted. They didn't feel like anything special at the time, but now… he missed that almost… simple way of life, the one where you only worried about little things, where your world didn't feel like collapsing, where you could concentrate, where you could sort things out, when you had other people there who took an interest in things that scared you.

He just didn't understand how some one so good and pure, like Daisuke, could suddenly go from blindly, innocently happy to… _this. _

To this deceiving, manipulative, rebelling, unstable person whose head was filled with sorrowful, depressing thoughts, who reverted back to 'happiness' for one second, then was lying the next.

He just didn't understand.

And not understanding made him feel more worried.

Worry for Daisuke, worry for himself… worry, worry, worry.

Dark'd never really focused on worry that much, sure, he'd taken the risks into account and worried about them in moderation, but… never, ever like this…

He didn't understand.

It was like Daisuke was just letting go.

It was like _he_ was letting go.

Like nothing mattered.

But it did.

Didn't it?

Of course it did.

But what was 'it'? What mattered? Was it Daisuke? Happiness? His happiness? Everyone else's happiness? Sorrow? Answers?  
There you go, more questions. More questions that couldn't be answered.

Another thing he didn't understand.

He didn't understand.

He really, really, desperately didn't understand.

He just didn't understand.

--------------------------------- - - - - - lets - - go - - see - - how - - Emiko's - - doing - - … - - - xXx- - ----------------------------------------------

"Hello, this is the –"

"- Yes, hello… It's Mrs Niwa here."

"Hello, how may we help?"

"Can I speak to the school Nurse please?"

"Of course, of course. Would you mind holding for a second?"

"Alright." Emiko snapped into the phone, craning her neck so she could see out the window, onto the street. Still no sign of Daisuke. She glanced at her watch needlessly, flicked her hair out of her eyes, bit her lip, straightened her shirt, smoothed down her skirt, checked her watch again, peered out the window, dug her nails into the palm of her hand, checked her lipstick in a mirror close by, then realized that she wasn't wearing any. She ran a hand through her hair, then combed through it with her fidgeting fingers, looked at her watch again, in the mirror, out the window, listened to the ringing silence of the phone, watch, mirror, window…

"Mrs Niwa?" A female voice sounded on the line.

Emiko jumped, distracted by all of the fidgeting, "Yes, hello, is that the nurse?" She said sharply.

"Yes, is everything alright? How's Daisuke doing?"

"I wouldn't know," Emiko grimaced, checking the street outside the window yet again, "He hasn't come home yet."

"That's odd."

Emiko sighed in frustration, "Did someone walk him home?" She asked hopefully.

"N… No, I just sent him home on his own, he…" The nurse paused, suddenly realizing how stupid she had been, "Oh dear… umm… well, I think… He said… He said, well, he said he was okay to walk home on his… own…" She mumbled nervously.

"He was ill and you sent him home on his own." Emiko sighed, her heart pounding in her chest, she suddenly felt exhausted.

"Yeah… W…What should we do?"

"He… He hasn't… hasn't been himself lately…" Emiko muttered, putting her hand on her forehead and closing her eyes in worry.

"Should we… wait for him to come home? I mean, i-it's only been three or four hours, there's still time…"

"He… stayed out last night, he… hasn't been himself… I should have just let him stay home, I…"

"Should we send out an ambulance? Or the police…?"

"I should've just let him stay home… I yelled at him… I… He…"

The nurse bit her lip uncomfortably. This was her fault. If the little boy wasn't found, she could wave goodbye to her job, and say hello to a lawsuit. She couldn't imagine what could have happened to the boy. He'd seemed nice enough, she hadn't thought about the damn complications. "What do you want to do?"

- - - - - - xXx Back - - - To - - - You, - - - Daisuke - - - - - - - - -

Daisuke looked at the people on the street, directing his attention away from attempting to answer Dark's scattered questions of complaint. A smart, business man passed by, his wake smelt of aftershave and a horrible brand of men's deodorant, his hand was clasped around a smart, black briefcase that probably harboured an expensive laptop. He was dressed in an unmemorable, black suit, his dark hair swept back in a side parting, his beady eyes darting around nervously behind thick rimmed, black glasses, he looked like he couldn't relax.  
Daisuke slowed his pace, chewing the inside of his cheek as he thought about the man. Did he have a family? A wife? Children? A divorce? A workaholic? This man had a whole, entire life, and, Daisuke was sure; that this man probably though his worries, his troubles, his joy, his sorrow, his life was the centre of it all.

Next person. This one was a woman, her slim figure wrapped in a long, brown coat. Her blonde hair combed back into a long, silky ponytail. A waitresses uniform was visible from under the coat. She had a very pretty face that was coated in a thin layer of make up. She was the kind of girl, Daisuke expected, that was easy to like, that other girl's were jealous of, but couldn't help liking. She was the sort of girl who looked like she'd lived her life. Worked hard in school, had bad friends, good friends, she looked as if she'd had too many boyfriends, her confident stride was made her look forward and friendly. Daisuke liked the way she looked, not in any sinister sense; she just had a very likable, pretty face. She probably said that it wasn't, that she hated her hair, her skin, her looks, but she knew that she was beautiful. She probably had a boyfriend. She looked too young to be married. Daisuke looked at her openly, staring at her pretty face. He knew she knew that he was staring, but she didn't seem to mind. Either that, or she didn't want Daisuke to know that she knew she didn't mind. Daisuke made the assumptions by the second, imagining her whole life, and how she probably thought she was the most important person.

Daisuke looked away, feeling slightly disgusted in himself for just looking at the surfaces of these people and judging them, picturing the whole of their lives.

Still, it didn't stop him from doing the same with the next passer by. She was about the same age as him, her dark, short hair clipped back out of her face by plain hairclips. Her thick lips were smothered in bright pink lipstick, her face coated in make up, her eyes rimmed with eyeliner and mascara. That thick layer of make up made it hard to see the real person behind all the foundation and eye shadow. What Daisuke saw at a second glance was actually quite pretty, but just looking at the make up made her look fake and unreal. She wasn't as slim as the other girl, but she wasn't overweight. She wore her clothes in a strangely confident way that brought Daisuke's attention to her flat mid drift. A punk-like, bright pink, spiky collar hung around her neck, her jaw chewed on a piece of chewing gum, her big eyes looked relaxed, her backpack was small, drawn all over in pen, signed by all her friends names. She was wearing Daisuke's school uniform, but in a very different way. Her short skirt was held up by a florescent pink belt, her legs were covered up by bright purple tights, bangles and bracelets hung loosely on her arms, her shirt was unbuttoned, showing a thin, black vest top underneath. Had she ditched school? Was she on her way? Did she give a damn about education? Yes. That much was apparent, even under the bright ensemble of miss-matched punky clothes and make up. Daisuke sighed. How much time had she spent on her looks this morning, staring into a mirror, wondering if she looked nice. Did she think that she looked good? Under the overly confident exterior, was there self doubt? Daisuke got the feeling that the whole gothic, vibrant colours and lifestyle was just a mask, like it wasn't her.

These people, these three people were all… _people_, they were all living on this planet, they were all here… just like him. Were they just like him? Or was he different? Was he wrong? They were all induvisials, all living their own lives, thinking their own thoughts, being themselves – or not, what ever worked… But they were all there… they were all here, along with an unimaginable number of other people, who were all here and there, all living and breathing… All thinking… It was stupid, really. Daisuke was just one little speck on the world, nothing worthy or notable. There were millions of other people that all lived here, and he was… nothing. He was nothing. But he wanted to be something… didn't he? He didn't want to waste anything, didn't want to stop…

Daisuke didn't have any clue what he was thinking any more, he'd lost his trail of thought somewhere along the way. He didn't really care anymore, he was just content looking at people and feeling pity for them. Pity that they were so self-absorbed that they couldn't see past themselves. Did he really think that?

He didn't know.

He was just… thinking.

He didn't want to think any more. Left on his own, his mind would just take flight, fly away without him, leave him behind. Think half formed thoughts, think things that weren't true, that he didn't know, that wasn't him… but in a way… it was him.

He was a person. And people were made up of lots of different things, all thinking that they were the centre of their lives, and everyone in the world thought that…

Didn't anybody ever wonder where the hell they came from? Whether they were actually alive? Wonder if they were dreaming, if they were dead? What if this was death, and it was just a continuation of life? What was life, anyway? Was it just something you lived and were supposed to enjoy for ninety odd years, then just… stop?

How could you just… stop, anyway? Were you supposed to just stop thinking, stop living, or did you carry on? Daisuke couldn't imagine not thinking.

Reincarnation, Heaven, Hell… Religion… There were so many – he'd always been agnostic, he'd never really thought about death or religion or anything, really… there were so many beliefs that people were so passionate in, truly believed in… but were they true? He didn't know. What did he believe in? Living life for now? Living every day as if it was his last? Just plain… living? He didn't know any more. It had never really bothered him before, that he had no set rules of religion and belief to follow and live by, he'd been quite content just living. But now he needed something to believe in… something to put his faith in, to give him a strange type of hope. Was that what everybody did? Wanted something to put their faith and loving into?

Or was it just him?  
He could ask those same questions 'Is it just me? Am I the only one? Does everyone else do that?' for everything. Never ending.

Why was everything so tricky now, anyway? It had never been before – there had been stresses and worries, sure, but nothing like this…

And the stupid thing was; those worries, those troubles he'd had beforehand had felt like they'd never end, like it was world-stoppingly bad, like his suffering and confusion was the one worst thing he'd ever experience… And now… Now, he felt those same feelings again, and thought how silly his worries were back then…  
Would these worries, this seemingly terrible problem of confusion and rebellion, would it last? In a couple of days, months, years – would Daisuke still be here thinking 'what the hell was I thinking back then? Look at my problems now, look… I wish I could go back… ignorance…' that's what he was thinking now, wishing he could go back to being so ignorant and worrying about little things, rather than this… anything but this… - but would he be thinking that about this time? He didn't know… didn't care…

Did he? Did he care? Would he care if things were different?

Again, he had no idea what he was thinking… he was just… thinking.

"_Where are you going?" _ Dark's persistent question came again.

Daisuke had almost forgotten that he was walking. He looked up, focusing his eyes on the surrounding street. It was still light, though the light seemed a little duller. That kind of chill you get in the winter when the sun's about to set, but it's still daytime.

Daisuke recognized the street, thankfully. It wasn't far from home, but he was still a fair amount of distance away from getting home. He didn't really want to go home. His Mother would be there, worrying, no doubt. He didn't really feel like facing the needless, unnecessary hassle of getting yelled at. He'd go home later, he didn't need to go home now…

But, apart from home, where was there? It was still school time (though the school hours would soon be up, judging by the time of day), and there'd be awkward questions if he went anywhere too public, where he normally went. The air had a cold chill, his nose and cheeks were already rosy red from the air hitting him in the face, it would be too cold if he sat down somewhere. In summer, you could just go up to a park bench and spend hours just… sitting and thinking. In winter, it was a slightly different story. People were more eager to rush home, out of the cold if you didn't have a nice, thick coat on.

Daisuke had a growing affection for this season; winter, but he did long for those happy days in which he could go walking, sit down by that beautiful fountain with a pencil and a piece of paper and just draw his troubles away… He remembered summer as being a happy season. He didn't think he could quite class this season as a happy one, at least; not for him.

He still didn't quite know what 'happiness' was… Was it something you made? Some strange chemicals that your body produced? What actually made you happy? Love, affection, things that made you smile, things happening in the right places, things looking up, things falling into place… Or was happiness something you had to work on? That you had to try at? What was it? How did you make it? What do you have to do? Is it something that comes and goes, or something that's affected by other things? What things? What should you do? What should Daisuke do?

Daisuke suddenly felt light headed and dizzy, overwhelmed by it all…

What should he do?

"_You can start by deciding where you're going."_ Dark said dryly.

"Daisuke?" A familiar voice called out, breaking his thoughts like a cold knife.

Daisuke turned around, looking for the source of the sudden noise. Risa was running towards him, her long brown hair getting swept around in the wind, her cheeks rosy from the icy air, her hand waving through the air as she called out again, "Daisuke, wait up!"

Daisuke froze.

School must have ended. He could imagine the questions now.

He forced a small, weak smile.

The world felt like it was getting smaller and smaller, less places to hide, no places to run to, no chance to call for help or to gather thoughts…

He really didn't want to speak to anyone at the moment, least of all; Risa.

"Hi… Risa!" He turned around shakily, hands in his pockets nervously.

Risa came to a halt, trying to catch her breath, "Hi… D…aisuke…" She puffed, Daisuke just stood there, trying to think what he was going to say.

When Risa had caught her breath, and was standing tall, she addressed Daisuke with a quizzical look on her flushed face, "You weren't in school?"

Daisuke shook his head uncomfortably, "No, I had…" Daisuke desperately tried to recall what he'd said to Riku this morning, when he went in to school, "Uhh, I had a… dentist appointment…" He paused, then, "I went to school for about 10 minutes then felt… ill…" He lied.

Lied. _Lied. Lying. _Lying to Risa. Though… strangely, this time, he didn't feel as relaxed and comfortable lying. With Risa, it felt like she was questioning him out of pure interest and suspicion, rather than a normal conversation… if he were to slip up, then Risa would dive deeper. He didn't want anyone to uncover his newfound sorrow or the fact that he was lying… or the fact that he had two days homework piling up in his room and a test next week.

"I know, I'm in your class," Risa laughed comically, then paused, "I was just…" She shook her head, laughed again, then, "I meant… why aren't you in school or at home? If you're ill then…" She trailed off, brushing the hair behind her ears out of habit, her face flushing red, this time, not from the icy wind, but from embarrassment.

"Oh… I…" Daisuke paused, "I felt like I… needed a breath of fresh air and a break from being at home…"

"Oh right!" She laughed again, nodding, "Riku and me were worrying!"

"Oh…"

"Are you feeling better?"

"What?"

"How are you feeling?" Risa said slowly.

"Oh, um, better, thank you…" Daisuke mumbled.

"That's great!" Risa nodded enthusiastically.

Daisuke looked up awkwardly, at Risa's smiling face.

But as he looked at her features, he saw Riku's flash before him, her smiling, sweet face… He felt a jolt of emotion stab through his fluttering heart. He looked back at Risa, hoping for another picture of Riku's beaming face, but it was only Risa.

They were twins, but they were so different.

He hoped that it would be this way for ever; liking Riku. He couldn't imagine not loving her.

Then again… back when he was in love with Risa, he couldn't have imagined not loving her back then… Would it be the same again? The whole 'lightning striking twice'?

He loved Riku.

He loved her.

But was it 'happiness' that she made him feel? What made happiness?

When you were with the person you loved, you were supposed to feel happy, weren't you?

Was he happy when he was with Riku?

He loved her… didn't he?

Yes.

No.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love… happiness, happiness, happiness, happiness… those two emotions and feelings were supposed to be linked together, right? Then why wasn't he sure?  
What was there to think about anyway? He loved her, that was enough, right? Yes. Right. So why the hell was he questioning every little thing?

It was madness, these thoughts.

Maybe that's it. Maybe that was the simple answer.

Madness.

Was he mad?

It was the simplest answer to all of this depression and questioning… but was it _the_answer?

xXx- - - - The – End – For – Now - - - xXx

Yay! All done for Chapter eight!

There wasn't much in the way of Dark's point of view, but there was a little… I hope to do lots more, and get him thinking a little more, rather than just depressing rants.

I don't think I can write any more right now otherwise my fingers'll fall off 0.0 I think that's the longest chapter I've ever written… O.o

As always, a huge: THANK YOU! For reading my strange story… Please leave a review on your way out, thank you, thank you, thank you, love you, love you, love you xXx

See you next time x X x


	9. Quit

Hello, and welcome back to Aijou! Thanks for the fantastic reviews xXx Eh, I'm sorry for not updating as quickly as normal, I've sort of adopted the writing pace of a snail… .

As always: THANK YOU FOR THE FANTASTIC REVIEWS AND THANK YOU FOR READING MY TWISTED, STRANGE STORIES! xXx

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - xXx - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Here - - - - - - We - - - - Go - - - - - - - xXx - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Insanity did seem like the easy way out, blaming it on his crazy mind… but was he? It would just be so easy to blame it on his sanity, or lack or it, and just stop worrying and questioning… But if he tagged these strange thoughts on madness, then he'd always be left questioning if he _was_ actually crazy, or whether he'd just done it for the sake of it.

That was the strange thing with humans; they did stuff because they could. They did things because they saw others do it.

They see birds fly, they build the aeroplanes.  
They see fish swim, they build submarines.  
They see daylight, they build electric lights.  
They hear bird song, they make music.

Or did we do those things because we wanted to? Or was it simply the fact that they _needed_ to? Or was in coincidence that both species did the same things? Who came first? What was the point in questioning, anyway? It happened, and it was still going on, and there was no point in trying to decipher which came first, or when, or how. Or how humans actually… started…

This was the first time he'd actually contemplated philosophy properly, and now wasn't the best of times to do so, seeing as he was supposed to be talking to Risa.

Risa…

He looked up to see her innocent face contorted in confusion, "Daisuke, what's the matter?" She asked tentatively.

Did she want a list? There were so many things that were making him frown at the moment, what did she mean? How could he begin to answer that stupid question?

Daisuke shook his head and shrugged slightly, "Nothing, just a little off colour…"

"You don't seem like yourself…?" She smiled weakly, looking him in the eye.

Himself? What did she mean now? 'Himself?' _'Himself'?_ Who was he? What was he supposed to be? How was he going to get back? Was there any going back? Or was he stuck here? Stuck in this state of mind, always questioning, always confused. Never 'himself'. Or was this him?

Daisuke forced his face into what he hoped was a warm smile, "I don't know, I think I'll be better by tomorrow."

"I hope so," Risa nodded, paused, then added, "Riku went home on her bike, she said she was going to your house to check if you were okay, but I guess I found you instead!" She laughed animatedly, though Daisuke couldn't pinpoint anything that was in the least bit laughable.

Was laughing supposed to break the invisible ice between them?

Wait… Did she just say that Riku had gone home to check on him… at home? Where his mother would be fretting, where he wasn't?  
It wasn't a big deal, it just frightened him, gave him that nervous jolt of anxiety to the stomach, made his heart flutter, skip a beat…

And why was Risa mentioning Riku anyway? What was the point? Was she expecting him to worry about her, carry on the conversation, laugh, talk about Riku?

"Oh, that's nice of her." Daisuke nodded.

"Yeah, she'll be sad that she missed you, though," Risa tilted her head to the left, brushing her hair behind her ears.

Wait… Risa was here, talking to Daisuke, who had just said that he'd popped out for some fresh air… And Riku was at his house, probably talking to Emiko, who would probably tell her that Daisuke had been out all day…

His little white lie would become quite apparent to everyone…

Daisuke shook his head. There was a good chance that Emiko wouldn't tell Riku anything, or she wouldn't answer the door… A good chance…

"_A good chance? Daisuke, her son is missing, she's going to ask your girlfriend if she's seen you, isn't she?" _Dark barked, not even attempting to hide his annoyance and frustration anymore.

Daisuke felt his heart sink.

"Daisuke?" Risa voiced, clearing her throat, then smiling, "I think you're away with the fairies!" She laughed comically.

Daisuke looked at her.

Riku had used that same phrase to describe his mood this morning. It didn't feel the same when Risa said it, it felt cold, different, strange… like she was doing something she shouldn't.

"Yeah, away with the fairies, have been all day," Daisuke said hastily, nodding.

Risa laughed again, "Hmm, well – I'm going to go find Riku, what are you going to do?"

What _was_ he going to do? He couldn't go home, Riku could still be there. As well as his fuming Mother, who was probably past the worrying stage, and embedded in the anger phase of motherhood… He couldn't keep walking around here, it was getting dark… where could he go? Not anywhere outside, it was too cold; that ruled out the parks… There was nowhere that he could go.

"I'm not sure…" Daisuke mused, deep in thought.

"Well… it was nice seeing you, hope you're all better by tomorrow…" Risa nodded, stepping back, "Oh – actually – you missed the whole of today, do you want to borrow my school books, y'know, to catch up on the stuff you missed? We have a big test coming up, so it might be an idea to…"

Honest answer: No way in hell. He didn't want more pressure to do well in school. He had enough homework to get done already, he didn't want today's work as well. Too hard, too much, too fast. Stress, pressure, breaking.

"… Maybe, I don't know – don't you have homework tonight? You should revise to…" Daisuke mumbled, forcing a concerned smile.

"No!" Risa shook her head, "You need to, you've missed stuff, I can borrow Riku's, it's fine," She grinned, fumbling around in her school bag to find the book in question.

"No, it's fine, I'm…" Daisuke blabbered, his face flushing. If he took the book, he'd have to commit and actually go through with this.

She thrust the book into his hands, smiling, clearly thinking she was being helpful and considerate, "No, you have it, you don't want to fail, do you?" She giggled, stepping back.

Daisuke looked down at the book in his hands, "… Thank you, Risa…" He said slowly, staring at the cover.

It was a green maths book, covered in scrawls and doodles, mainly of Dark's handsome smirk. Daisuke looked up, smiling. He'd almost forgotten about Risa's infatuation with his other half. "Thank you…" He said again.

Daisuke half expected Dark to say something sarcastic or meaningful, anything, really. It _was_ Dark's name and unmistakable face drawn all across Risa's book, after all. But there was no comment from Dark. Daisuke didn't understand why Dark wouldn't at least acknowledge the notebook.

Daisuke smirked. He wanted to force Dark to do or say something, he had no idea why, he just felt inclined to, like he had to do it, "Dark hasn't been stealing so much lately." Daisuke said casually, carefully making it sound like an innocent conversation starter, rather than a sly method of annoyance or provocation directed towards his other half.

"No, not _as_ much," Risa laughed, blushing slightly, "But it's only been a couple of days or so, just under a week…"

"Hmm," Daisuke concealed a smirk, "He hasn't been on the news much lately, either."

"No, but that's 'cause he's getting better at getting away from all those nasty reporter people!" She said enthusiastically, grinning, a slightly dazed look in her eyes.

"I hope nothing's happened to him," Daisuke said casually, waiting for Risa's concerned look of sorrow, and for Dark's outburst.

Risa shook her head, "No…" She paused, the enthusiasm fading slightly.

Daisuke opened his mouth once more, but before he could pry any longer, Dark cut across him, but not in the manner he had expected.

"_Daisuke, why don't you just quit it? You can see you're upsetting her as well as me, idiot." _Dark said in a cold, quiet tone filled to the brim with annoyance and sorrow.

Daisuke was bitterly taken aback by Dark's cold voice, he'd expected an outburst, or a cynical remark, or… something… but this? This drove a sharp, cold pain through Daisuke's venerable heart.

"I…" Daisuke cleared his throat, "I'm sure nothing has, don't worry," Daisuke mumbled, attempting to repair the damage he'd brought upon the situation.

But still Dark was silent, meaning that he was still upset. Daisuke had never _been_ upset like this… it had always been a question of action or tension around other things, like thievery or Krad, but Daisuke couldn't recall Dark ever being this angry at Daisuke…   
It made Daisuke panic, it made his weak, eager to try and make Dark happy again…

Wait… why should Daisuke try to make Dark happy? Should he? If every one went around making other people happy, then the world would be a better place, but no one did that… did they? Yes... but why should Daisuke try to make Dark happy? It was selfish – Daisuke wanted to make Dark happy because a sad Dark made Daisuke scared…

Daisuke didn't know anymore… didn't know what he wanted to do, didn't know what he wanted or needed to do…

That confusion, that pain made Daisuke want to rip his confused heart right out of his aching chest.

"Yeah – nothing could happen to Dark!" Risa laughed, as if the whole situation was hilarious.

"… Yeah…" Daisuke said slowly, "I have to go… not feeling… good…" He mumbled, his head spinning.

He felt like he was gone already, like he was a mere, stupid spectator, but…  
Too detached, disconnected to be here, but too involved to get out.

--------------------------------------------End------------Of---------------Chapter-------------9----------------------------

Phew! All done! I've no idea why, but that was so fun to write : )

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it xXx

See you in the next chapter : )

**(Update thingy:  
_Angels in Disguise_**: Chapter 37 should be up pretty soon, I've almost finished it.  
**_Aijou_:** I'm away on holiday all next week, so this (chapter 9) is it for now : (  
**_Love_:** I've nearly finished chapter 2! Yay! Should be up here any day now! xXx  
**_Kill him_:** Ah! My old fanfiction has come back to haunt me! 0.0 Anyways… I'm working on a sort of… 'last, last chapter', just to see how they're all doing… don't hurt me XD  
**_I smile when she smiles: _**Slowly, very, very slowly working on a chapter two...


	10. Stop me, stop, just stop

Hello every body – and welcome to CHAPTER TEN! Yay! … Chapter 10 already? O.o

Review reply!

Violet garnets – firstly, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING xXx and I'm very sorry to hear you're unwell, hope this new chapter will cheer ya up : )  
Get well soon and enjoy the chapter :D

Chapter ten – Stop me, stop, just stop

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Daisuke bit his lip, quickening his pace. All he wanted to do was get home. Safe, secure home. His pounding footsteps echoed inside his crowded mind, the rest of the world just seemed like a confused blur right now, he looked up; it was all just a blur of colourful, daunting shapes and movements. It felt terribly to be this out of it – his head was rushing with confusion, his legs felt weak and heavy, his whole body felt like it was far away from him, like some sort of warped out-of-body experience… Madness.

Home, home, home. That was what mattered right now, he'd deal with the rest later. He told himself that, but he knew he wouldn't.  
He'd never deal with any of this, he'd just let it get worse and worse… it was like a deathly spiral, he couldn't get out, but it had been so easy to get sucked in and whisked away with all the adrenalin, and he couldn't stop himself doing these things… Lying, provoking people and… just being a completely different person from what he had been.

What ever that was.

Happy? Had he really been happy back then? Or had he just been oblivious to all of this?

All of this?

What the hell _was_ 'all of this'? He still was clueless, utterly and completely helpless.

Then the horrible question struck him; was he back to normal now?  
He was going over in his mind all the bad things, he was regretful, remorseful and panicking… When he'd been lying and annoying people, he hadn't thought about those things, he'd been too caught up in the trail of events at hand… or had he?  
Would he ever go back to the way he'd been?  
Or was he simply stuck like this forever?  
Would he be lying forever?  
Would he be hated forever?  
Would he be like this… forever?

Forever… it felt like a long time. He didn't think he could handle a life time of this, it would be torture… reckless, thoughtless, impulsive one second and then needy, confused, sorry and worried Daisuke replaced the new one again… constant mood swings, not able to stop himself being horrible… it would drive him insane.  
Or perhaps he already was?

Easy answers that he doubted or the harder ones he couldn't seem to put his finger on? Which one to choose? The questions never seemed to stop.

This was torture.

He couldn't stop doing things that were malicious and cynical, it would make other people hate him, and it would also bring self-hate and self-loathing along with it. Hated by everyone in the world, even himself.

He couldn't stand the feeling of being hated, it brought a sharp, stabbing pain to his heart when he thought about being disliked by someone… it was natural to want everyone to love you, it was only the needy human nature… but what happened when you did things you couldn't stop yourself doing those things that brought hate upon you?

He needed some way of stopping himself… being hated was unbearable… He couldn't deal with it.

He needed a way to stop himself…  
He needed _some one else_ to stop him…  
That idea seemed a reasonable one… a diamond in the midst of mud.

But who? The only person he trusted enough to stop him was Dark, but Dark hated him now…

Daisuke sniffed suddenly, stinging tears in his unexpecting eyes.

"_Daisuke, I tried stopping you, you need some thing stronger than me,"_ Dark said bitterly.

Dark's sarcastic comment made Daisuke flinch.

He looked up, wiping away the tears and resting his eyes on the welcoming scene of his house.

But some thing else caught his gaze for a second. Riku.  
Riku walking down the street, away from him… she had obviously not seen him, otherwise she'd be rushing towards him, but he'd seen her… should he go talk to her?

He wanted to… but he didn't want to discuss the obvious matter. The fact that he'd not been at home all day long, when he'd said to her sister that he had been.

The lies were stacking up, but he still didn't want to face them.

Daisuke sighed heavily, pushing Riku out of his mind with an ache of his heart, and pushing open the door. "H-Hello?" He shouted nervously into the empty hallway of his familiar home.

Emiko immediately came rushing out of an open door, eyes wide and tired. She walked swiftly over to him and brought him into a one-sided hug.  
Daisuke didn't return embrace, he merely hung there awkwardly in his Mother's arms.

"I was so worried…" She whispered into him unkempt hair softly.

Daisuke let out a soft sigh of annoyance. He'd forgotten about this… when he'd pictured home, the image of his calm, empty bedroom beckoned to him, not having to explain himself to a worried, angry Emiko.

After a few minutes, Emiko released him, and he stepped back hurriedly.

She looked at him for a second before her soft, relieved manner changed to an air of complete and utter exasperation.

"… I was so worried," She said again, but with a completely different meaning than the first, "Where were you?" She demanded.

Daisuke looked at the wall uncomfortably. The dim lighting on the dull wall only added to his sense of disconnection and claustrophobia. Strange how such small things like the disliking of a mere colour of a wall can lead to the feeling of something much bigger closing in on you.

After no spoken answer from Daisuke, Emiko raised her voice, "Where were you, Daisuke? The school phoned and said that they'd let you go home sick, Daisuke where were you?.!"

Daisuke thought for a minute what he might say; lying seemed the easiest way out of this. "I was sent home with a headache, when I was walking home I felt… unstable and sat down on a park bench for a while and lost track of time, when I started to walk home again, it was already late…" He mumbled. It wasn't the greatest excuse, but at least it was better than not saying anything right now.

"Unstable?" Emiko's harsh tone wavered.

Daisuke nodded, "And I sat down and must've dozed off for a while, I don't really remember…" He muttered, still not looking up from the wall.

Emiko looked unsure whether to give way to her tempting anger and yell, or to comfort her son. Indecisive, she went for neither; "Riku was here a second ago." She said emotionlessly.

"Oh?" Daisuke jerked his head up, unsure on how to answer.

"She was asking if anything was wrong." Emiko continued, "And I couldn't answer that," She tried to catch him eye, "Because I have no idea what's going on inside your head!" Her words caught in her throat.

Daisuke looked down. He didn't know what was happened, it all seemed so surreal and so different, like a hazy dream… a dream where he didn't really care what happened because he thought it was only a dream, but at the same time, a chocking fear gripped his heart.  
He seriously thought for a second that Emiko was crying. He looked more closely and saw that it was her frustration that was causing her to hyperventilate.

"Sorry," He tried.

She shook her head, unused to having this emotion strangle her.

He stood there for what seemed like hours, before Emiko caught her breath again and stood up tall, a blank expression on her pale face, she looked at Daisuke, as if expecting Daisuke to say something.

Daisuke felt utterly put upon; there was nothing he could say that would make her feel better, the only thing to say now was the truth and that wouldn't do any one any good.  
"Sorry Mum," Daisuke paused, "… Sorry for last few nights, and for today and… for… making you worry," He tried to make himself sound as sincere as possible.  
He wasn't really sorry, it was merely the only thing he could think to say.

Emiko nodded, she seemed to believe Daisuke's forced apology… but in her brown eyes, Daisuke saw hesitation.  
He thought that Emiko _wanted_ to believe him, forced herself to believe in him, anything to put off blaming him.

When the atmosphere got a little too uncomfortable, he voiced, "I have homework," Daisuke said simply, not waiting for a reply, he walked the short distance to him room, slammed the door shut and flopped down on his bed.

He waited hopefully for a comment from Dark for a second, and when none came, he rolled over onto his side and stared at the door pensively.

Here he was again.

Thinking in his room, alone. Thoughts beckoning to be pursued.

"… Dark?"

Still nothing.

Did Dark hate him? Did everybody hate him? That was a horrible thought – Daisuke bit his lip, accidentally drawing blood this time, it felt good. Punishing himself for this series of events that he'd been sucked into.  
Then the overwhelming taste of metallic blood hit him, and he grimaced.

He didn't know what to do.

Dark hated him, he wouldn't even offer a sympathetic word.

Riku… His gaze rested on the phone on his bedside table. She'd be home by now – had she talked to Risa yet? He pictured her confused face as she took in Risa's words… Daisuke screwed up his eyes in suppressed panic. Had Emiko told Riku anything? She hadn't said how she'd answered…

He felt a pang of agony strike his heart as he thought of Riku's hate. That was something he couldn't deal with; not now, not ever.   
Love…?

No more questions. None, stop now. Enough.

He picked up the phone and punched in the number.  
His heart raced as he listened to the steady ringing of the phone, he bit his mangled lip again.

"Hello?" Riku's voice answered.

Daisuke felt a cascade of emotions hit him, thoughts raging inside him, tempting him, bewildering him.

No.

No more questions.

Stop. Stop now.

Stop me, stop, stop, stop… stop me from stopping, stop me from wanting, stop, stop, stop, just… stop.

Stop now.

"Hi Riku," He managed to say.

"Daisuke? Is that you?" He heard her say. As she spoke, he felt his heart run away with him, his head somewhere above him; in the clouds.

Then, after a pause, he noticed the tone of her voice… it was hopeful rather than reluctant, it sounded like she _wanted_ it to be him on the other end of the line.

Daisuke opened his mouth, smiling, his heart lifting. "Yeah, yeah it is."

There was another long break, like neither of them could figure out what to say.

Then Riku broke it and brought Daisuke back to reality, "I came by your house today, Emiko seemed really angry." She said, but it was more of a question than a piece of information.

No more questions; at least not from him.

"Yeah…" Daisuke wasn't sure whether Riku actually _knew_ that Daisuke had been out or whether his mother had simply told Riku nothing. All he could do was wait for her to say something that pointed him towards a conclusion.

"Daisuke, what's going on?" She sighed, worry clung heavily to her soft voice.

Daisuke's heart sunk. He couldn't answer that.

x---------------------------- - The – End – of – Chapter – 10 - --------------------------------------------x

Hello everybody! Sorry it's been such a long wait, it's been really tricky trying to find time to write this with everything going on, hope you don't mind.

And I'm all annoyed because I meant to bring Satoshi back into it in this chappie, but I got whisked away with another idea… I guess Sato will have to wait for the next chapter. -.-

So, I hope you enjoyed this one, please leave a review on your way out and I shall see you in the next chapter: )


	11. Phone calls

Chapter 11

Hello, hello, hello! I hope everyone's fine and dandy and ready to read chappie 11! Yay!

Review reply!  
Hittocerebattosai – Hello again, is it this time already? Chapter 11? O.O it still feels like I'm trying to think up a name or something, where does the time go? … yeah… Ignore me :P Well, as always; thank you ever so ever so much for reviewing and I hope you enjoy the show : )

Phone calls - Chapter 11

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"Daisuke, what's going on?" Riku sighed heavily, worry clung to her soft voice on the other end of the phone.

Daisuke sighed, remaining silent… how could he begin to even attempt answering that deadly question… He could lie. That seemed like the easy way out, the only option that wouldn't lead to more questions from the girl on the other end of the phone… But there was something begging him, _pleading_ him to do any thing _but_ that, any thing except lying to Riku.  
He didn't know what it was, but there was something about this moment, about Riku… that he couldn't face lying to. But how could he tell the truth without getting himself into trouble? How could he even answer that?

It was the question that he'd been screaming to himself ever since he looked up at the white ceiling, ever since he'd let these strange thoughts take over him… He didn't know the truth.

"Daisuke?" Riku asked after waiting for a reply, and when none came, she sighed again, "Daisuke, you can trust me. What ever it is, we can deal with it…" Riku cursed mentally as she realized what she'd just said; it sounded like a cliché, cheesy movie.

Silence.

Daisuke's heart was pounding inside his chest, his eyes stung with what he assumed was tears, he felt like he was somewhere else, he couldn't concentrate… It was like when you realized something so stupid and terrible that you did and you just feel exhausted and overcome by horror, and you can't do anything about it. It was exactly like that… like another out of body experience… like he was completely disconnected, like he was merely watching himself panic, he could feel the emotions, but he was only watching from the sidelines.

Riku suddenly sniffed, bringing Daisuke's attention back to earth for a few seconds.

"Why don't you trust me?" She asked quietly, with an odd emotion woven in, Daisuke almost mistook it for anger and resentment, but after re-playing it over in his head, it sounded like sorrow. "Daisuke?"

Had he made her… sad? Did she now hate him, too? He couldn't handle that… it sounded like she was crying, oh god, oh god, oh god… crying? Hate?  
Daisuke panicked… he couldn't handle this. He couldn't cope with Riku's hate or sorrow, especially when _he'd_ brought those painful emotions upon her…

He managed to get a few words out, but they weren't the ones he meant to say, the real ones had gotten lost along the way; "Riku… are you… are you crying?" To his surprise, his voice sounded weighed down with sorrow, it sounded like he was crying as well.

Riku laughed, but even over the phone, it sounded fake, "No… Of course not!" She pulled her fake laugh again, sniffing.

Why was she crying? Why wouldn't she tell him?

"I just wanted to know what was going on, y'know, with you, I felt we've hardly seen each other these past few days!" She spoke fast and quick, like she was trying to cover up her overpowering emotions. "What is going on?" She said in an overly-happy, high pitched voice.

Daisuke knew he had to say something, anything… everything. He knew it would make everything better if he just admitted to Riku about all his troubles, Riku would probably help him get through it all, but for some reason, he couldn't force himself to… "I don't know, Riku, I've been trying… trying to answer that… that question myself," He admitted softly, "I don't know…" Daisuke sniffed.

The night cast shadows around Daisuke's room, the winter bringing early, cold nights on the city. Daisuke shivered, sitting on his bed in the hovering darkness, clutching the phone to his ear desperately.   
Riku stood in the shadowy hallway, dressed in a thin nightdress that didn't protect her from the cold air. She stood by a table with a phone on it, the cord trailed up to her ear where she held the phone tentatively to her ear, tears trickling down her pale cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Daisuke asked croakily.

"Nothing," Riku said a little too quickly, "I'm just worried about you."

Daisuke paused, "I don't know," He repeated sluggishly.

"You know you can just tell me what's wrong, anytime, right?" Riku said gently.

"Yeah… thank you, Riku…"

"… Okay?"

"Yeah, I'll see you in school, then..."

"It's Saturday tomorrow, remember? No school," Riku laughed tentatively.

"Oh yeah," Daisuke's spirits lifted a little; that meant he didn't have to deal with everyone at school for another two days.

"Do you want to meet up over the weekend?" Riku asked hopefully.

Daisuke's mouth formed a small smile at the fact that Riku wanted to see him. She didn't hate him… did she? "Yeah, maybe Sunday…?"

"Oh, do you still feel unwell?" Riku asked, her soft voice tinted with concern.

"A little," Daisuke replied quietly, his throat clogged up with emotion again. He couldn't get the words out.

"Well, I'll see you then!" Riku announced cheerfully, "Feel better soon, okay?"

"Yeah, thank you Riku," Daisuke said in the happiest voice he could muster, "Bye."

"Bye bye!" And then the line went dead.

"Bye Riku…" He said to the buzzing silence of a dead line, "Love you."  
He hung up quickly, unexpected tears clouding his eyes.

He fell back on the bed, sniffing, and wiping away the tears.

Eventually, he stopped trying to wipe away the salty drops of water from his face, they didn't seem like they would stop any time soon.

Daisuke pulled the warm, comforting duvet up over his shivering frame and descended slowly into the land of sleep, crying.

Hazy dreams flickered before Daisuke's closed eyes; blue hair, glasses, cold features, emotionless eyes staring at him through the sheen of glass. Tears collected in the corner of one of these sky blue eyes, and suddenly Daisuke was awake the fragments of the startling dream still clinging to him.

His eyes were drawn to the clock hanging on the wall; it read half past six in the morning. It was a new day. Saturday. A day where he could relax and sort things out… that was what yesterday was supposed to do. Would he _ever_ get things sorted out?

- blue hair, glasses, cold features, emotionless eyes staring at him through the sheen of glass. Tears collected in the corner of one of these sky blue eyes -

The feeling of a dazed dream reawakened in the solitude of his mind, and he suddenly realized what he'd been dreaming about. Satoshi.

He'd almost forgotten about Satoshi, with everything else on his mind.

Guilt overwhelmed him. Forgetting about Satoshi? After what Daisuke had said to him? 'So I'm not allowed to just have an 'off day', am I? I've always got to be smiling, otherwise some one thinks I'm ill or depressed? What _am _I allowed to do, Satoshi?.!' The unwelcome memory flashed before his teary eyes, and the sudden impulse awakened inside of him.

He reached sluggishly for the phone and pressed a few digits, then put the phone to his ear. Half asleep, he flopped back against the comfortable pillow, listening to the relaxing ringing.

The sudden realization of how stupid Daisuke was hit him.

It was half past six, Daisuke was still half asleep, and he'd probably woken Satoshi up. Daisuke sighed, too tired to care. Oh well, the phone was ringing now. He yawned, his mind clogged up with sleep.

-

Satoshi's eyes snapped open as he heard the surprising phone buzzing on his bedside table. He looked at the small mobile phone and sighed, he didn't think he was capable of feeling this lazy. He glanced at his small wrist watch and closed his eyes in annoyance. The temptation to let it ring was so appealing just now.

_Satoshi-kun, you are sooo not a morning person… _Krad remarked cynically and sarcastically, though the tiredness in his voice was apparent, too.

"s'not the morning, still the middle of the night…" Satoshi replied drearily and prised open his eyes again, hastily forcing himself to reach for the ringing phone.

He pressed a small button and put it to his ear, blinking tentatively, his eyelids heavy with sleep, "Who is it?" He rubbed his blurry eyes.

There was a long pause. Satoshi was about to hang up, but then a strangely familiar voice sounded, "Hello."

"Who is it?" Satoshi asked again, the fog in his mind beginning to clear.

-

Daisuke bit his lip, now he wasn't so sleepy, the true stupidity of this reckless action was apparent. He had no idea what he was going to say to Satoshi, nothing. "It's… Daisuke."

-

"Daisuke?" Satoshi repeated, surprised, "What's the matter?"

There was another long pause before Daisuke answered again, "I dunno."

Daisuke sounded tired, too. Satoshi yawned, confusion replacing the sleepy fog in his mind.

"I just wan…ted to say I was… sorry…" Daisuke said between yawns.

Satoshi raised his eyebrows, shocked. Daisuke sounded far sleepier than simply 'tired', he almost sounded like he wasn't conscious. "For what?"

"Yesterday… and the day… before that… Sorry…"

Satoshi paused, utterly baffled. Yesterday and the day before that? The only thing he could think of that Daisuke had done slightly wrong was yell at him the day before last, and the redhead had already apologized… hell, Satoshi deserved those harsh words. "You already apologized for that."

"Oh… oh yeah…" Daisuke mumbled, "Bye then…" Then, as suddenly as Daisuke had rung up, the redhead hung up.

Satoshi looked at the phone in confusion, and replaced it back on the bedside table and rested his head back on the pillow, still mulling over the rather sudden call, puzzled.

And with that, both boys settled into the welcome land of sleep once more.

All worries and troubled could be post-boned till the next morning.

At least Daisuke had sorted out two of his main worries, even if he wouldn't really be able to recall one of the phone calls.

---------------------------------Yay-it's-finally-over!--------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmm, my cute little kitty has just jumped up onto the table and is currently nuzzling and biting my hand… I think that's his way of saying that it's time to get off the computer and feed him…

Well, that's it (according to my cat) for now; I hope you enjoyed this chapter of Aijou and looking forward to the next.  
I hope you didn't despise the ending of the chapter too much, I wanted to involve Satoshi somehow and I thought it was an okay idea before I started writing it, but now… ehh…

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING, LOVE YOOOOOUU x X x Please leave a review on your way out : )


	12. Art

Another chapter, here we go…

_Dedication: _To Liquidzilla, I know you'll never read this but I want to say it any way 'cause I think you're in need of a little cheering up after today, I know this is practically useless but, hey, it's a start. : )

Review Reply!

Hittocerebattosai – O.o; Sorry for the rather odd typo XD I shall make sure to do a better check-proof-read thing afterwards, thank you for pointing it out .

I've finally got an idea where this story is going! So, on with Chapter 12. Here it is, hope you like it.

Hope you all enjoy –

Chapter 12 - Art

----------------------------- xXx -----------------------------------------------------xXx------------------------------------xXx------------------------------------

Daisuke rolled over, groaning as he drifted in and out of sleep. He tossed and turned in the warmth and safety of his comfortable bed. The sun shone coldly through the gap in the curtains, falling elegantly onto the tousled bed clothes covering Daisuke.

He opened his eyes to the winter sunshine blaring through the window and quickly shut them again as they watered with the unexpected light shining in them.

He rolled over again, so he was facing away from the sun and into the cold, dull white wall.  
He smiled at the thought that he didn't have to go to school today, then frowned as he thought about the whole day that loomed ahead of him.

There was nothing, really, that he felt like doing. It just felt stale and old. He couldn't think of anything that he wanted to do.

He felt like going out, but there was no where to go. He felt like staying home and relaxing, but he couldn't seem to wind down. He felt like doing something, but he felt too tired. He felt like seeing Riku or Satoshi, but he didn't think he could handle seeing them. He felt like… what did he feel like? Staying here? Nope, he'd just end up feeling bored. So why not go out? No where to go, anyway, he might run into some one he knew on the way. He couldn't stay here, he really didn't want to face his mother… so, all in all: there was nothing he _could_ do.

He groaned, sitting up quickly and swaying where he sat as all the blood rushed to his head. He ran through all the things he normally did, but none of them seemed worth doing. None of them seemed like they were big enough to do, like they were worthless.

What he needed was something that made him happy, that he didn't worry about.  
The immediate thought that rushed to his head when he thought of 'happy was 'Riku', but he was too anxious around her at the moment. Vague memories from last night's phone calls flickered before him. He groaned, not being able to recall most of what he'd said to his two best friends put even more pressure upon his poor mind.

What if he'd said something about his strange predicament? Did they hate him? Had he confessed his lies? Had he moaned to them about how sad he'd been feeling?

Daisuke paused for the briefest of moments at the thought that he didn't feel as sad as normal. A smile played upon his lips as he examined the thought.

It was true.

He _did_ feel better.

But he still didn't feel… _happy._ Then again, what was happy? How could he tell, what could he do to make himself happ-…  
No more questions.  
He was feeling better, and that was that. It was good. He shouldn't question a good feeling, should he?

Daisuke flicked his hair out of his eyes and stood up enthusiastically, looking around his bright room with shimmering eyes.  
What had brought this sudden burst of energy, this feeling of excitement, of 'happiness'?

He bounced up and down on his toes, then realized he was still dressed in his school attire. The situation coaxed a short laugh out of his throat at the whole situation, then bit his lip, unable to place anything the least bit laughable.

He quickly undressed and pulled on some more comfortable clothing, then ran a hand through his soft hair and took a long breath of clean, cool air filtering in from the window that had been left ajar.

Pausing, he smiled. It was nice to smile again, it was somewhat relieving to have this emotion welling up inside of him instead of anger or sorrow or confusion.

Nice…

He smiled again, leaning against the wall absentmindedly, staring out the window at the hazy landscape bathed in sunlight. He shivered as the cold air brushed past him, and he suddenly realized it was actually winter.

Winter only happened once a year, and it brought a new sort of chill to his spine. He liked it. He was 14, that meant that this was the fourteenth winter of his life… that was a strange thought – he would only experience so much of these, then they would be gone, and the welcome warmth of summer would replace the icy mornings and the frost clinging to the window… He would miss it.

But he would forever associate this year with sorrow and confusion. Subconsciously, somehow, he'd connected this year's winter with his mood swings, his feeble temper and his wrecked emotions.

But… were those emotions of anger and bitter sorrow gone forever? Or would they return? What was to say that this burst of happiness would last, how could anyone predict that?

He felt a lump in his throat form as he thought of returning to getting some sort of adrenalin-filled pleasure out of lying, and being hated, and, and, and…

His mind trailed off, becoming too tangled in itself to carry on the flow of depressing thoughts.

He hoped this was last.

But it was already unstable. Now, for instance; he was sad. Sad at the thought of getting sad again, when he already was…  
The confusion was back.

He sighed, and tried to concentrate on what ever had made him 'happy', but he couldn't find anything. What _had_ made him happy? His thoughts had made him sad, but what made a person _happy_?

His gaze rested on the all too familiar sight of the comforting mansion on top of the hill. Riku was in there. Was she thinking about him right now? Were they sharing a moment through thought? He was thinking about her, he hoped she was thinking about him.

He wanted her to think about him, that was for sure.

Daisuke paused. The thought of seeing her brought a new lump to his throat and a new haze of worry to his already crowded mind – but just the thought of _her_ made him smile again.  
He wanted, _needed_ to see her, but he was afraid… afraid that he might wreck her feelings for him. Afraid that she wouldn't like him.

She'd loved the happy, normal Daisuke, but now he'd changed… he'd changed into something quite different, this pensive, manipulative emotional wreck that lied… How could she love _that_?

He preferred cherishing the beloved memory of her breath taking smile, rather than risking his feelings. It was a sickening thought that made him cringe with guilt, but it was the truth. The truth… it hadn't been as oblivious before hand, now it felt like the sorrow had opening his eyes by force and showed him this tragic world of lies and fickle-minded, malicious people, and he'd become one of them.

He didn't want to be.

But how could he begin to change it? How could he reverse the transformation, how could he stop this monster raging inside of him?

"_That's going a little too far, Daisuke."_ Dark's voice said sarcastically out of the back of Daisuke's surprising clear mind.

There was something so comforting about Dark's tone of voice; it was how it had been when things were normal, like he didn't hate Daisuke, like he wasn't mad or angry, like he was at peace… back to the same, old Dark.  
Daisuke smiled at that prospect. Things didn't seem so bad at the moment. He knew that would change, but for now, it was nice to just be able to smile and not feel angry or sorrowful or hatred.

"Dark, are you still mad?" Daisuke felt he had to ask, just to make certain. Well, partly that, and partly because he just wanted to hear Dark's calm voice again. It was such a nice change from the sulky, sad Dark.

"_What do you think?" _Dark replied coyly, his tone perfectly normal, not too angry, not too happy.

"I don't know anymore," Daisuke laughed.

Dark didn't answer after that; which gave the uncomfortable impression that he was still angry at Daisuke.

xXx------------------------------------------What's-----Dark-----Really-----Thinking?-------------------------------------------------xXx

Dark sighed in the familiar silence of his solitude, letting the mellow thoughts of his tamer wash over him. His worries had eased over the past night, but they were still plaguing him. It scared him how Daisuke could be so depressed and self-absorbed one second, that perfectly happy the next…

He half wanted to blame it on the unstable hormones of teenage life, but he knew that there was something else. Everyone went through this stage in life, Daisuke was just sticking to it. Mood swings happened to everyone, some lucky people got less noticeable ones that others, but everyone had to get them at one time or another… But these weren't _normal_ mood swings, per say… But what _was_ 'normal', anyway?

Dark sighed, rolling his eyes. He was starting to sound like Daisuke.

--------------------------------Back-------To----------You,----------Daisuke----------------------------------------------------

Daisuke's wide eyes rested reluctantly on his school bag, which was crumpled up in the far corner. The amount of homework he had to do suddenly dawned on him.  
He just wasn't in the right head space. Not the right mood for homework, he'd do it later.

But what could he do _now_? All the options seemed meaningless and boring… He slumped back on his bed and groaned in indecision.

"What should I do, Dark?" He moaned childishly, rubbing his eyes.

No reply.

Maybe Dark really was still mad at him?  
The thought gave an unwelcome surge to his poor stomach. He couldn't handle hate. But he couldn't figure out how to get people's affection back… Dark was the only one who knew the full extent of the damage he'd done, the lies he'd told, the people he'd tried to hurt… It sickened him that he'd done all those things, he couldn't even begin to imagine the opinion that he'd created of himself in Dark's mind.

He jumped up again, smiling, determined not to feel down. "Alright!" He said enthusiastically, though his heart lacked any of the enthusiasm his voice possessed.

He jumped up and down on the balls of his feet, attempting to persuade himself that he was energetic, that he was happy. Lying to himself, trying to convince himself that he wasn't sinking back down into the depressive slump he'd become too accustomed to.

"Okay…" He strode over to his school bag, picked it up, then sat down at his desk, all the time telling himself that he was going to do this.

He reached inside his bag and grabbed the first book that he came in contact with. English.

"Uh huh…" He said, his voice still carrying that fake enthusiasm, he opened his book to his homework question.

'Write a two page essay on a topic of your choice including the techniques of a –'

His mind trailed off.

He couldn't even get to the end of a question without thinking how boring and confusing it was. It was so hard to concentrate nowadays.

He picked up a pen that lay abandoned on the surface of the desk, which was cluttered up with paper, drawings and unfinished paintings.

He stated to write at a slow, uninspired pace, then stopped abruptly on discovering that he had nothing to write about.

He didn't even get the question.

"_Reading it might help…" _Dark commented dryly.

Daisuke shook his head, discarding the sarcastic remark and scanning the room for much-needed inspiration.  
His gaze lingered on his many paintings and works of art.

That didn't seem like a bad idea…

He abandoned all pretences of writing out his essay and instead picked up a soft pencil and began to sketch out the rough lines of a silhouette.

He stuck his tongue out, over powered by the excitement and exhilaration of drawing.

It took him away.

He was somewhere else.

Far away.

Happy.

He leaned back after what seemed like a fraction of a second, but could have also been a decade and examined his piece of art.

Four people were sketched with stunning realistic talent in the middle of the plain piece of paper.

In the middle was him, grinning and beaming, his hand entwined with Riku's hand. Riku was standing to the left of Daisuke, smiling her sweet smile, and to the right was Satoshi, hands in pockets, his glasses shielding his emotionless eyes.  
And to the right of the stunning drawing was Dark.

Dark was drawn standing a little further away from the main three in the middle of the page, the angel's face was a mix of a familiar, soft smile – the one that Dark let slip onto his face when he thought no one was watching – and a confusion of pain and sorrow.

-

Dark stared at the drawing through Daisuke's eyes, absolutely stunned, his breath caught in his throat as he shook his head in disbelief.

He'd been around the Hiwatari artworks for longer than he cared to remember, but he'd never seen anything as captivating as this. This…

It captured all the emotions he associated with the people… it was just… stunning. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't think of anything to describe it.

Words failed him.

---xXx-----------------------------End---------Of----------Chapter----------12------------------------------xXx---

Well there you go : )

.:glances at clock:. Yeah… quarter past 11… I think it might be time for bed… heh… see, this is what happens when I get up in the night for a drink of water and notice the computer isn't turned off and get sucked into writing… Yeah… shhh…  
I hope you enjoyed it, I know I enjoyed writing it xXx

Again: a huge THANK YOU for reading, it means the world.

See you in the next chapter, bye byes for now, please leave a review and tell me what you think of it : )

G'night xXx


	13. What could he do?

Here we go!  
Does anybody else think that the music they listen to effect how they write? . It's so confuzzling… Uhh... I'm listening to some pretty strange stuff today, so be warned, sorry if the chapter turns out all hyperish and weird X3

Review Reply!  
Violet Garnets – Aww, thanks for taking the time to read and review, I hope you get everything sorted out real soon. Enjoy the chapter : )

hittocerebattosai – Yay, thank you for reading – here's the next instalment – hope you enjoy xXx

Well, enjoy the show xXx

-

What could he do? 

-

The blinding afternoon sun shone through the cold haze that winter brought upon the world as its shimmering rays cut through the air, promptly falling over Daisuke's face which was contorted in concentration.

His hand ached as he picked up yet another piece of paper and rested the soft pencil on it's surface, ideas raging inside him, willing themselves to be portrayed though Daisuke's many drawings. There were almost too many ideas whirling around here.

Quick, careless, impulsive, thought through, precise, slow… All there. His arm swayed as he slashed the paper with the pencil. He took a breath once this drawing was finished and held back from grabbing the next piece of paper. He allowed himself a brief look around the desk, covered with pieces of paper, some with intricate sketches and realistic portraits, others quick, rushed doodles. All there.

Daisuke smiled, looking over all of his drawings scattered across the desk.

"_I thought you were going to do homework," _Dark said softly, still slightly tentative towards Daisuke, it was like his tamer was in a world of his own, completely entranced by his artwork… That scared him, the whole of Daisuke was taken up by this newfound feeling… this was another side of the redhead… an addictive personality, swallowing him up, just another mood swing. Possibilities and potential answers floated, dazed, around Dark's head while Daisuke continued to stare at the drawings, panting slightly.

"I was…" Daisuke shook his head, "I am," He paused, looking around for his school books buried under the cascade of drawings. He retrieved it, and stared at the uninspired paper – all the passion that had filled him was draining him now as he looked at this.

Daisuke read the question out loud, "…'Write a two page essay on a topic of your choice including the'-…" He trailed off, the drawings pulling his gaze back to them. "Her hair needs fixing…" He mumbled as he pulled the drawing in question towards him and began rubbing out a few lines and adding some shadowing.

It wasn't the same excitement that had filled him to the brim before, but it was still good. Happiness swelled up inside of his chest, threatening to burst… He was too entranced to even question what happiness was. It felt good… being so distracted that he couldn't concentrate on his thoughts.

He couldn't keep running away from them forever, though.

"_Daisuke, I thought you were going to do homework…?"_Dark said again, careful not to let any emotion into his short sentence.

"Oh," Daisuke paused.

He had such a weak attention span lately.

"'Write a two page essay on a topic of your choice including'… A topic of my choice?" He hesitated, leaning back on his chair, staring out of the window.

"_Homework."_

Daisuke bit his lip, suddenly feeling restless. "Okay… 'Write a two page essay on a topic of your choice including the techniques'… A topic of my choice?" He couldn't seem to get past that landmark without pondering 'A topic of your choice'; what a stupid question. No guide lines what so ever and an utterly terrible assignment all together.  
But he had to do it, one way or another.

But where to start?

"_Actually reading it might be a starting point?" _Dark commented sourly.

Daisuke nodded, glanced down at the ominous paper again and groaned childishly, the thought of something so meagre as homework was certainly one he did not wish to pursue.  
His eyes were once again drawn to the window… it was a downright _crime_ to be cooped up inside on a day like this… The winter sunlight sweeping through the trees, carried by the harsh wind that whipped past, scattering the last few fallen leaves left from autumn, the air was bitter cold but still somehow managed to maintain a strange sense of warmth from the afternoon sun trickling through the haze of whiteness that was the sky…

Daisuke shook his head, he should really try to stop letting his thoughts get ahead of him. They only seemed to interfere when he wanted to concentrate or relax though. Luring him, tempting him to scream, to be impulsive, to make a splash, to get out of his room… then they'd turn on him, betray him as they settled on the tender topic of remorse and sorrow for the actions they'd tempted him with…

He looked back at the wide mess of drawings and sketches… the passion had somewhat left him. Drained out of him, abandoned him… He stared at the sketches that had left him so enthralled a moment ago… they just looked alien to him now, they still held some of their beauty, but otherwise he just saw them as a rushed mess… how could he ever delight in something so _boring_?

Everything seemed that way just now… A boring mess of nothingness that left you with nothing but less time and a hollow feeling in your chest.

He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

All of the activities around him seemed so impossible, so dull… how had he ever enjoyed these ordinary, every day, useless things that normal people seemed entranced by?

'Normal people'?

Had he somehow, subconsciously classed himself as 'not normal'?

Daisuke groaned again, standing up and clenching his fists. Restless. Agitated. Annoyed.

He stared at the pile of school books and papers that needed writing. He had to get them finished… he had to… How?

How was anybody supposed to cope with this? If you were to get a nervous breakdown or suffer from depression sometime in your education – it was gone… never coming back. No time.  
He could afford to stop, to take a break. He _had_ to do this.

There must be other people in this sickening position, someone else must know what it was like to be in this situation constantly… right? What if he was the only one? What if no one would understand? What if he failed? What if he had to go to hospital? What if they thought he was ill? What if he _was_ ill? What if they didn't understand? What if they tried to change him? What if they couldn't? What if he couldn't cope? What if he broke down? What if he couldn't carry on? What if he had finally had enough of this crap? What if, what if, what if?

The room suddenly seemed stuffy and clammy.

What would Riku think if he was diagnosed with a mental condition? What would _he_ think if he was? What would his mum say? What would he do? What would they all say? What would they do? He didn't think they could handle their stuffy pity, their sorrow…

He put a hand clumsily on the table to steady himself.

How could he keep living when all of this junk was building up? How could he even begin to handle any of this? How could anyone? What did you have to do to find some sort of cure, some salvation?

He ran a clammy hand through his hair uneasily, his heart pounding in his aching chest.

Did any one care? Sure, the teachers and his parents had to care, and Riku was too nice not to care, and Satoshi was probably just acting out of pity or the fact that he wanted to get close to Dark, after all, Satoshi was a Hiwatari… Dark… Of course Dark didn't care, Dark had been stuck with him, he was merely using Daisuke's body to live, to steal… No one cared… They just put pressure and anxiety on him…

His breathing was reduced to short, panic stricken gasps, the room seemed unstable in front of him, the colours merged into one, huge mass of purples and reds.

And what would they all think when they found out he was like this? Would they try to be all sympathetic and pat his arm friendlily, would they back away, would they shake their heads in disbelief? Would they pity him? What would they do? Their opinions of him would drop. They would wonder what ever happened to that optimistic, sweet boy they knew once upon a time. Riku would probably stick by him to try and show herself that she cared, but when they all saw him like this – this horrible wretch – they'd all see the truth. No more lies to hide behind, this was him. This was the cold, hard truth. He didn't want it any more.

His cheeks flushed, his temperature burning as he swayed where he stood and tried to breathe.

The cold, threatening image of a hospital waiting room flashed before him, tiny bottles of tablets and prescription sheets, therapists, psychologists… wondering why he wouldn't get better, why nothing worked…  
What if nothing worked? What if he had to be like this forever?

His vision blurred, coming in and out of hazy focus as he hyperventilated, flooded with panic and anxiety.  
He couldn't breathe, there was no air, his body was screaming out for oxygen, but he couldn't seem to find any anywhere.  
He stumbled over to the window unstably, his sweaty hands sliding down the cool glass, he pushed the window open and waited for the cold blast of wind, he felt the tingling on his skin, but no air seemed to flood in, there was no air… he panicked, there was no air, no air, no air – he was suffocating.

Could he handle being like this? Obviously, he wasn't now… but what if he had to be like this for the rest of his life? Was it simply the teenage hormones rushing round his body or was it more? Was he just depressed? What if he was bipolar? What if, what if, what if? What if the doctors couldn't find anything for him, what if the only option was a hospital ward? What if he just had to cope with this?

He hated the thought of doctors, of tablets, of medication, of the thought of people _knowing_ something was _wrong_ with him, but if it was the only way to get rid of this feeling… What was this feeling? He still hadn't worked that one out.

"… _-Calm down…it's okay…" _

Daisuke suddenly realized that Dark had been trying to talk to him the whole time, he only just noticed the angel's words in broken gasps as the feeling of light-headedness had lifted slightly.

A dull ache started up behind Daisuke's eyes, he rubbed them tentatively, his breathing slow and raspy. He sucked in the air gratefully as if he'd been deprived of it for years. Eyes closed, he let the winter wind whip past his face, making his face tingle as the cold air met his sweat covered skin.

He vaguely registered Dark's voice in the back of his head – he didn't really feel like listening right now.

"Dark, what's wrong with me?" He asked after a while.

"_Nothing's wrong, everyone has to go through this." _Doubt echoed clearly in Dark's otherwise comforting words.

"You're lying."

"_No, you're just getting to a new stage in your life, you're just coping with different emotions –"_

"No, there has to be something wrong with me, there has to be… if there isn't, then… then…" Daisuke felt a wave of emotion and uncertainty crash around him, "Then this thing is me… there has to be something wrong with me…"

"_It'll pass…"_

"What if it doesn't?"

Their conversation was cut to a bitter end as Daisuke blocked out the rest of Dark's meaningless answers.

There had to me something wrong with him.

There _had _to be.

Otherwise this was him, otherwise… this was him, in all his bitter, lying glory… If there was something wrong with him, then there was always the reassuring possibility, how ever slim, that this thing would pass and the real Daisuke would be waiting under the surface to change everything with a smile.

But he didn't _want_ there to be something wrong with him… that would mean that he was ill, that he was sick, that people would pity him…

But then he'd have something to blame his horrible actions on… Would he?

What could he do? What was there to say? If everybody found out about him then they'd pity him, they'd give that smile… sure, they might stick around with him for a while, but what happened when they realized that he wasn't going to change, that he wasn't going back to normal?

He _had_ to get back to normal…

But what was normal? – oh, there he was again, always questioning a simple statement…

He rubbed his eyes, flopping down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

This was when it had all started… He'd been staring at the dull white ceiling thinking, just thinking… thinking properly for the first time…

Staring up at the ceiling…

_- He lay there, just lay there. His duvet crumpled around him. He was staring up at the ceiling, sprawled across the clean sheets of his bed, his fire like red hair falling over his eyes. He brushed the strands out of his eyes, and continued staring up, to the white ceiling. It felt too white, too clean, too painful to look at. It felt blank, empty, and he vaguely registered that the intense white paint was creating a head ache. But still he kept staring at that same spot. It kind of felt relaxing, just looking up at that spot. That white paint. He hated the white paint. But it was there, and he was staring at it. He wanted to just… just stay here, keep on staring at that same spot, forever. Forever. It was a nice thought, to just stay here and think… think about things that needed thinking about, but think with no pressure to __do __the things that crossed his mind. It was a nice thought. No pressure. No nothing. Sometimes that was what he wanted: Nothing. But other times he wanted every thing. But… 'other times' where a different matter, he'd bundle those thoughts up and lock them away, deep inside his head. But now, now was the important thing, and right now, he didn't want to do any thing. He just wanted to lay here. He felt exhausted, but there was no apparent cause for this sudden exhaustion – he'd had a restful nights sleep, he hadn't really had an unusual week, just the repetitive events that filled his life all over again. It seemed strange how his emotions differed from time to time. - _

He blinked, his eyes fixed on the white ceiling, running over the different memories that this new phase had brought him… Most were blurred, most were too painful to bring up, but some… like this one… was just… okay.

He'd been different then – 'No pressure, no nothing'… He wished he could feel that way now… the difference was people. The people in his life… Riku, Satoshi, Dark, Risa… All of them, he thought differently because of them, he wanted their affection… he was thinking, worrying about what he thought because of all of them.

What would happen when they all found out? Dark had already done so, but that was different… He didn't know anymore.

All he wanted was for this to just go away.

Far away.

Banish these feelings to some other land, some other person… So that he could smile and focus on meaningless things again. So he could be the person he once was.

How could he do that?

His life at this moment felt boring, a waste of time… he needed to do something – but what?

That was what had driven him to yell at Satoshi, to worry his Mother…

Would medication make him better?  
Should he go to the doctors and ask to see a therapist? What would they do? Would they say that he was merely depressed, or would they give him a grave look and write out a prescription for mood stabilizers? What would they do?  
Would he be able to except that he was ill? It was just a possibility floating by now, but what would he do if he actually… was… ill?

"_Daisuke! This is madness – you're not crazy! You're just struggling, you're just a bit low at the moment, that all! Stop talking about stupid hospitals – you don't need medication, you're just having a rough month, that's all…" _

Daisuke closed his eyes, letting Dark's words wash over him, he wasn't really listening to anything, just his own thoughts.

What could he do?

-

Hi everyone! Thank you for reading again!

Good news – I might try to get this story published! Yay! So I'm going to be writing veeeery fast 0.0

Please tell me what you think – anything that could be improved… It would be a very big help.

Thank you again, means the world : )


	14. Stupid

What could he do? 

The question echoed around his head as he lay there. He'd lost track of how much time he'd spent in his room, the frequent shouts of his Mother calling for him to come out for dinner, asking what was wrong…

Daisuke just lay there, still and unmoving, staring at the ceiling, occasionally interrupted by a burst of stifled sorrow or laughter.

He was knocked out of his slump by Emiko knocking on the locked bedroom door, "Dai, honey – I called the school, I don't think you're fit to go in today, sweetie…" There was a pause, "What ever is bothering you, Dai, when you're ready, you can talk to me, okay?"

He didn't reply, just lay there, letting the entirety of her words wash over him… School… that meant it was at least Monday, and that meant he'd just been lying here for the whole weekend…

How had that happened?

He sat up shakily, looking around his room – it suddenly felt rough and unfamiliar – the window was still open, the door was locked – when had he done that? – He was shivering violently thanks to the cold wind filtering in from the window.

"Mum?" He called out uncertainly, "Mum?.!"

There was shuffling outside the door, "Yes honey?" She sounded almost scared.

"I'll go in today," He said before he could stop himself.

"What do you mean, Dai?"

"School, I think I'll go in today," Daisuke said automatically, although his mind was screaming at him to keep his mouth shut.

He knew that school would make him feel worse, that he'd be faced with the teachers and the lack of homework that he'd completed, but he needed to do something… anything…

He needed to do something – without knowing it, he'd spent the whole of his weekend staring up at the dull ceiling – and now he needed to do something…

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Daisuke replied, standing up, feeling all the blood rush to his head. He grabbed his dirty school uniform out of habit, then stuffed his untouched school books into his schoolbag.

He walked shakily over to his door and unlocked it. He didn't remember locking it. He shook his head, and opened the door to see a tearful Emiko standing there.

"Oh Dai," She brought him into an embrace and sighed, "I was so worried." Her voice was somewhat happy and relieved.

Daisuke returned the hug awkwardly, patting her back.

She drew back, holding his shoulders and looking at him as if she hadn't seen him in months, though it had only been a couple of days, "Daisuke, you don't look so good," She passed her fingers over the dark shadows beneath his hollow eyes, "Are you sure you want to go in to school today?"

Daisuke nodded.

She pulled him back into a hug again, "Don't scare me like that, okay?"

"Daisuke!" Riku called out across the different conversations in the hallway.

Daisuke was walking uncomfortably towards his first lesson… this whole system, school, everything seemed so stupid, so alien to him now. These hallways felt horrible, cramped and claustrophobic… It was almost unbearable.

"Daisuke!" Riku yelled again, weaved her way through the crowd milling to their lessons, "Dai, wait up!" She called.

He turned round grudgingly, then saw her smile… oh god, her smile. That beautiful smile brought a fresh wave of guilt over him. "Hi Riku." He forced a smile.

"I didn't see you all weekend! Were you busy?" Her arm brushed his.

"Yeah, just catching up on some rest," Daisuke nodded, unable to maintain his smile.

"Oh," She paused, her eyes lingering over his disheveled appearance, then she smiled again, "Well, I'm glad to see you now."

It was like everything else had been forgotten, like the past week had gone, like the memories had drifted off.

Riku wasn't acting any differently from normal, it was only him. He couldn't let go of it… he wanted to, sure, but he couldn't seem to erase those thoughts.

"Yeah," Daisuke nodded, frantically searching his mind for something so say, anything to keep them from an awkward silence, "Did you have a good weekend?"

Riku shrugged, "It was okay, I mostly did homework."

Daisuke coughed uneasily, "I didn't manage to get most of mine done…" He said as truthfully as he could.

"Oh," Riku paused, then smiled, "Don't worry about it, I'm sure it'll be fine."

"I hope so," Daisuke forced what he hoped was a warm, comforting smile.

"What've we got first?" Riku asked cheerfully.

"English," Daisuke answered moodily. The mere mention of homework, schools or lessons set him shivering.

"What did you do for your essay? I picked running, it's not that good," She giggled.

"I'm sure it's better than mine," Daisuke mumbled, trying to recall the essay question frantically.

Riku beamed, "No…"

Daisuke shook his head, then, all of a sudden; they were standing outside the classroom, Riku was going in and taking her seat, people behind him were pushing past him… and he was lingering in the door way, his heart pounding… he couldn't seem to breathe…

Why had he even come here today? It was always going to be hell, but maybe if he'd stayed off today, he'd have been able to cope with it… maybe… He just wasn't ready today, not at all, he wasn't ready for Riku's smile to sweep him off his feet, he wasn't ready for the teachers sour looks of disappointment, he wasn't ready for this feeling.

How could he get out of it now? What was there to do? All he _could_ do was sit down and pretend that nothing was wrong.

He gently lowered himself into his desk and looked up as the teacher entered the classroom.

"Morning class," She said bitterly, dumped her bag on the teacher's desk and pulled a pen out from her pocket, "Okay…"

Daisuke's eyes unfocused, he zoned out, the noise of the classroom reduced to a dull mumble.

"Niwa?"

Daisuke looked up, "Here," He said automatically, then returned to the cascade of thoughts building up inside of him… there was too much going on inside his head and too little in his life… this pointless life.

"Niwa?"

"Here," Daisuke blinked.

The teacher smiled patiently, "We've already established that," She paused, "Have you done your essay?"

Daisuke's face suddenly felt hot and flushed, the familiar feeling of light headedness was washing over him, his heart raced, "No."

The teacher looked up in surprise, "Oh?"

"I was ill this weekend, I wasn't able to get anything done." Daisuke mumbled the first excuse that came into his mind.

The teacher nodded, that look of suppressed annoyance clear upon her face, "Have you got a note?"

"No, not with me," Daisuke shook his head.

"Right… get a note to me tomorrow or it's a detention. And when do you think you'll be able to do the essay by?"

"I don't know," He answered truthfully.

"Say… Wednesday?"

"O-Okay," Daisuke nodded, staring fixedly at the desk, a sheet of hair covering his eyes.

Thankfully, the teacher moved on to the next student.

Daisuke bit his lip nervously. How was he going to get an essay done by Wednesday? He could hardly concentrate as it was, he couldn't find any motivation, he couldn't find anything… he just needed something to come along and take all of this pressure away from him.

"Alright, grammar today."

There was a collective groan from the class as the teacher handed out the dull grammar work books.

"Page seventy two, exercises one through to seven. I know it's boring, but it's useful… and I know you've done it before, but it'll help you revise for you big test on Thursday."

Daisuke jerked his head up – Test? – There was a test? He groaned in distaste as he thought of all the homework from the other classes, the new essay he had to do by Wednesday, the looming test in math, and now this test in English.

How the hell was he going to get it all done? How in the world was he going to get his head down and concentrate on all this godforsaken homework?

He opened his blue grammar book up to page seventy two and stared at the boring work plastered on the page. The book had been used before, its dog eared corners were broken and there were doodles all over the pages.

He picked up his pen and hesitated, reading the question over and over. He couldn't seem to register any of the words on the page, his mind was too full of other things… if he didn't complete this stupid work by the end of the lesson, then he would have even more homework to do tonight… he knew that, but it still didn't help him concentrate on anything.

How were you supposed to concentrate on anything when you had this much going on inside your head?

The day passed in a stressful blur, he couldn't concentrate on anything, he couldn't settle, he couldn't do anything.

It was stupid, it was petty, but he couldn't.

It just seemed stupid to have to do this work. He could do it anyway, so what was the point?

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

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Hello! Yay! Two chapters in two hours! 0.0 I probably shouldn't rush it so much…

Sorry i didn't post this chapter up as soon as i finished it, my computer went all funny on me. :(

Well, as always, a huge THANK YOU for reading, i'd love to hear what you think : )


	15. Insanity

Thank you for the wonderful reviews, it really helped me write this :)  
Okay, here it is. I'm sad to say it, but this is the very last chapter of Aijou, enjoy xXx

--------------------------Here-----------------------We-------------------------Go-----------------------------

Chapter 15 - Insanity

Thinking was a funny thing. It could make you so happy, then it could also make you so sad.

Daisuke was trapped inside his own head, it was a prison in itself. He had the key for this lock around his thoughts, but he had no idea how to use it.

He needed to concentrate. He needed to do this properly… But how could he?

There were so many worries that were building up inside of him, it was unbearable. He needed to do something about it, he needed to tell someone, but who in the world would listen?

There were thousands of people who wanted to listen, but what would they do when they found out the entirety of it all? Scream, shout, cry, give him a painfully sympathetic look of fake care?

He didn't want those reactions.

"_Daisuke, what have I done?"_

Daisuke was thrown by this sudden question. "What do you mean?"

"_I know all about your depression, stupid. I was there when it started. What have I done? What did I do when I found out?"_

"I…" Daisuke started. What _had_ Dark done? He couldn't remember.

Daisuke was lying on his back in the silence of his all too familiar room. He was staring up at the dull ceiling that had already created a little headache at the back of his head. He tried recalling the events that had led to this block of depression…

Wait.

Daisuke ran over what Dark had just said to him – Dark had called this slump 'depression'. He'd thought of it as depression himself, but he didn't actually think it _was_ depression. Depression couldn't happen to _him_, surely…

He didn't know any more.

It just felt weird to have someone else call it that… Like it was actually real.

"_I didn't mean depression,"_ Dark said quickly, he sounded annoyed.

"You did," Daisuke said, for some odd reason, he felt offended. His voice was unusually high and had taken up a defensive tone. He didn't know quite why he was so mad at Dark for calling it 'depression', he had called himself depressed a million times before… but when Dark said it… it just felt… _real_. Like he actually was depressed, like he actually had the disorder, like all that he'd hoped wasn't real had come true.

He didn't want this to be real.

It couldn't, it just couldn't…

"_Daisuke, I didn't mean it!"_ Now Dark sounded aggravated as well.

"You did, and you said it. You meant it, you think I'm actually depressed, you think…" Daisuke paused, he hadn't realized that he was actually talking out loud, "You think that I'm crazy."

"_No…" _Dark said slowly, _"I just think you're being a tad melodramatic here,"_ He said sarcastically.

What had meant to be a playful sarcastic remark only fuelled Daisuke's frustration, "You think I'm ill, don't you?!" He hadn't meant that to be so loud, he couldn't control his voice anymore, "You think I'm insane!"

It was an accusation more than anything else; Dark had no idea how to respond.

"Well I don't care anymore! I DON'T CARE!" Daisuke yelled at the ceiling.

He heard footsteps outside his bedroom door, "Dai, sweetie, are you okay in there?"

Unnoticed tears trickled down his flushed face as he panted, trying to catch his breath as he desperately attempted to calm himself down.

He knew he was being dramatic, he knew he was being horrible, he knew he was having some sort of breakdown or violent mood swing, but he didn't want to accept it.

Accepting it would mean accepting that there was something wrong.

He didn't want to be wrong.

Wrong was bad…

Wrong was wrong.

He couldn't be wrong.

No way, not him – no, he was the simple school boy he'd always been, he wasn't mad, no, not no way, not no how, he was Daisuke, he was the awkward, embarrassed kid whose mind was constantly somewhere else and whose worst worries were about the Phantom Thief and the question of love… no… not him… he was the same boy… yeah… that was… him…

Insanity? No…

Insanity couldn't happen to him, not him…

No, no, no, _no_.

Denying it wouldn't help for long. Avoiding what could very well be the truth could make the truth worse.

Some sense of reason gradually returned to Daisuke's thoughts, how ever slight the sensibility was. At least it was some.

"_Daisuke, you're just a little…"_

Daisuke felt more tears stream down his cheeks as Dark trailed off, "See, you don't want to admit it, but you know it's true…"

"_I'm not finished,"_ Dark said promptly, _"You're just a little… torn up. Just a little stuck – all you need to do is get back into the… the flow of things, then you'll be okay."_

"But what if I can't?!"

"_Hey, if you have that attitude…" _Dark smiled tentatively.

"But… I'm d-different…" Daisuke mumbled.

"_You keep rambling on about all this changing crap, but the truth is everyone changes – you're you and that's what keeps the same, you're the same person, you've just developed a bit, you've seen more of what the world is. As you grow up, you change…Comparing yourself to a couple of weeks ago when you were 'happy' or whatever you wanna call it… it's just like comparing yourself to when you were a baby. They're different, but they're all you." _Dark trailed off, feeling intensely awkward and uncomfortable, _"And the whole 'Oh no, Riku might not like me if she finds out that I've changed' thing and the 'What if I don't 'love' Riku?!' drama has gotta stop this instant. 'Love' is when you're with a person and you want to be with them, even if they change. If it doesn't work out because you don't like who that person has changed into, or if you don't like the person full stop, then it's over – plain and simple. 'Love' is where two people just accept all the different sides of them." _

Daisuke was in a state of shock, stunned by Dark's words. He didn't really say this sort of stuff… and also, more surprisingly; it was helping.

"_So yeah," _Dark coughed, _"Get it together, you're not going to get another speech outa me for a while. All you need to do is get over yourself and get the fact into your head that you are you and all these messed up sides of you make up who you are." _He sighed, worn out, _"Enough of the philosophical rubbish, can you just get back on track now, Daisuke?" _Annoyance mingled with concern.

"Yeah…" Daisuke said, his head practically buzzing with thoughts, "Yeah… that sounds good…"

Emotions bubbled up inside Daisuke, there were so many he couldn't even begin to define them, but they all somehow merged into one to form a sort of warped calmness.

He walked over to his desk in a hazy, dream like state and sat down.

His eyes caught the sketch of him, Riku, Satoshi and Dark. He smiled warmly.

He picked up a pen and put the tip to a clean, untainted piece of paper and started to write. His untidy handwriting gradually covered more and more pages, some of the pages were homework – done and dusted – others were just ideas and thoughts.

As he wrote, it felt like all the crap, all the sickness, the panic, the tears, the uncertainty, the confusion was draining out of him.

It felt good to concentrate.

It felt good to just be able to do something.

It felt good to combine these new emotions and insights that he'd acquired over the past couple of days with the many different sides of himself.

It just felt right.

When he'd finished, he slumped in his chair. He felt exhausted, but strangely proud to have actually done something meaningful, something useful that he felt good about.

Happiness.

He laughed loudly at the thoughts that had plagued him over the past week or so… Insanity? Wasn't everyone insane, really?

He didn't know.

Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. He didn't know, and, for now – it didn't matter.

It just felt good to have balance.

To feel these emotions and now be overwhelmed by them.

To just be… him and not worry about anything at the moment.

There was no doubt that he would worry, that he'd come back to questioning, that he might very well have more outbursts… but now he was okay with them. They were part of him, part of growing up.

Now he could sort of handle his emotions, he could cope. He could even prevent the outbursts and mood swings.

It felt good to be in control.

But it also felt wonderful to… not… be in control, to have some shock, some variation. To know that the future held some surprises that would change him again and again and again, all adding up to make… him.

It felt good to know.

Daisuke closed his eyes, everything felt better. Somehow; Dark's intense speech had gotten through to him.

Riku's sweet smile flickered before his eyes as he gently descended into sleep.

Finished homework and school books littered his cluttered desk as the moonlight gradually turned into a gentle sunlight that bathed the contents of the room in its warm glow.

The cold winds and frost covered windowsills of Winter were fading into the past as Spring quickly advanced.

The warm sun illuminated Daisuke's relaxed face.

As well as the homework, the entries of a scrambled, unkempt journal lay scattered around him, signifying all the struggles and thoughts that he'd had, and all his thoughts.

Dark silently read them and let a relief filled smile creep across his face.

----------------------------------------------The End-----------------------------xXx---------------------------------------------------------

Wow. There, it's finally over… I'm kinda sad ;-;

I really enjoyed writing this fanfiction, I hoped you liked it as well.

This chapter didn't really turn out as I planned it… I'd imagined this fanfic to go on for a little more, and to put poor Dai through a bit more of a struggle before finding self awareness or what ever… I don't know. I hope you liked the ending and didn't find it too cheesey.

And, as always: THANK YOU for reading till the end of this strange story. It'd be great to hear what you think of it.

Love you X3

- Kat


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